The long story- from Australia to Nepal (part 1)

For those people who have been following my blog from the start, they will know that Rabindra and I have been through a lot in the past few years.

My experience of beginning an intercultural relationship with a Nepali man has seen many highs and lows.

The highs have been falling in love, finding out about Rabindra’s country and culture, seeing our relationship blossom and getting engaged.

The lows have been ongoing visa problems, cultural differences, times of anxiety and depression, adjustment to life, and relationship differences.

There were many times Rabindra and I were in complete disagreement because of cultural reasons. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell his family about me, I didn’t understand why he was so shy in regards to public affection. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t communicate the way I wanted him to.

In March last year I wrote about “Fears, Frustrations and What ifs”,  and in May I wrote “Waiting and questions about life” then just a few months ago I wrote this blog “It’s time” .

Fast forward to May 2012, and my life has really changed.

One morning in January 2012, I checked my email and we had an email from our migration agent saying Rabindra had been granted his Australian visa.

I burst out crying. It was the most emotional day.

Our visa debacle began in January 2010 and we have spent the last two years dealing with so much stress and pain.

Dealing with immigration matters has been by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. For more than 18 months I was gripped by fear, knowing that Rabindra and I could be separated simply because he is a Nepali and I am an Australian.

January was also the time that Rabindra took me to his home country, Nepal.

It was not just travelling the country that I had fallen in love with from the stories I’d been told by Rabindra and friends, but it was THE TRIP that would really determine a big part in our future.

Meeting Rabindra’s parents and getting their approval of our relationship was the second most anxious thing I’ve done in my life (aside from immigration).

You see for a very long time Rabindra did not tell his family about me and it hurt me in ways no one else could know.

I know why he did it. He was scared. He was worried. He was the first person in his entire extended family to have a love relationship (the rest of his family have had arranged marriages) let alone it being with a white Australian woman, so the pressure was on.

He had to be sure, before telling his family, that we were both really serious about our relationship. It’s not like Australia where parents meet lots of their children’s boyfriends/girlfriends over the years. This was such a huge thing to his family.

Then one day, he finally told them over the phone. Rabindra was so nervous and I literally think he had been holding this anxiousness in for 12 months or more.

He told his father he was in a relationship with an Australian woman, yes the “friend” you’ve seen lots of photos of.

His father insisted that if Rabindra was happy, then the family was happy. He convinced them that we did not get married secretly in Australia and that we wanted to wait until we had visited Nepal together and then discuss it with his parents over there.

So this is the background leading to our Nepal trip.

I’ll continue with part 2 next and what it’s really like meeting the parents and experiencing Nepali village life from an Australian woman’s perspective and as the soon-to-be wife of a Nepali man .

The Nepali way of doing things

Since coming back to Australia after my wonderful trip to Nepal, I’ve noticed I’m doing a few things the NEPALI way.

I have not consciously made these changes, they’ve just happened!!!!

They are not big things but still it’s interesting how easy it is to pick up another culture’s little idiosyncrasies when you spend a lot of time with Nepali people.

It’s common in most relationships for a husband/wife to pick up certain ways of doing things that they’ve never done before and unconsciously inherit it from their partner’s behaviour.

But these things I’m doing  are really cultural behaviours that most Nepalis do, not just Rabindra’s way of doing things.

Here’s a quick list of my new Nepali habits:

• Making tea/coffee the Nepali way on the stove with milk/water. (Not by boiling a kettle then adding milk – the way I have made tea my whole life).
• Wearing chappals around the house –oh my gosh!
• Washing up dishes the Nepali way which means not letting plates drip-dry with dishwashing detergent on them!
• Changed the way I speak to people older than me- give them more respect (this is an especially nice one).
• Occasionally eating dinner with my hands!! Yes, oh my gosh again!!
• Turning upside-down shoes over in the right position facing upwards. I don’t like the thought that it could bring bad luck.
• Not touching things with my feet.
• AND THE BIG ONE- nodding/swinging my head to the side to indicate yes/OK!! What is with that?? I did this at work the other day and I thought to myself- Casey- you are not Nepali!!

Are you in a cross-cultural relationship where you have picked up parts of your other half’s culture? What type of new behaviours have you picked up?

If you’re not in a cross-cultural relationship, what little things have you picked up from your partner’s behaviour that you now do yourself? (For me, one of these things is tapping my feet in bed, Rabindra does it all the time and now I do it).

I’d be interested to know how little things in your daily life have been influenced by your partner!

Please share your experiences here.

Photo blog: School volunteering

In Nepal I spent a few days volunteering at Rabindra’s father’s school (he is the principal at the village school). There are 800 students and I had to stand up on school assembly and talk about Australian school life. Rabindra and I donated sports equipment to the school and the kids were very happy. I also taught a few English classes. I had an absoute ball. Here are some pics of my time at the school:

Above: The morning school assembly. Kids singing the national anthem.

Above: The kids trying to cram into a photo.

Below: The kids following me around.

Below:

Above: Prep class.

Nepal- the trip that nearly didn’t happen

You would not believe what happened to me on the day we departed Australia for Kathmandu.

We got to the airport with plenty of time and decided to get a coffee at the cafe and wait there until Singapore Airlines check-in opened.

After we ordered our coffee the lady said it would be ready in 10 minutes, so we went and sat down at a table with all our bags.

At this time we noticed the check-in had opened and thought we would rush over and get in first before the queue got long.

We quickly got all our bags together and because we were going from Brisbane (very hot) to Kathmandu (freezing), we had all this extra carry-on luggage including thick scarves and big snow jackets with us.

In a hurried moment we thought we would leave the snow jackets/scarves hanging over the chair and our carry-on bag under the table at the cafe because it was only a very short walk away (you could see the coffee shop from the counter) and we were already weighed down with our trolleys, scarves and bags.

I told the coffee lady we would be “back in a sec” to get our coffees and belongings.

When we got to the check in, we handed over our tickets and passports and mine was quickly checked in and I had my e-ticket.

But when the lady got to processing Rabindra’s passport details, they couldn’t find him in the system because he has one of those old non-chip passports so you manually have to type in his details and he also has an amended date of birth page which always causes confusion.

The lady tried it three times and every time failed. She called her supervisor and he told her to repeat the process.

She was really slow and typing with one hand (I was like WTF woman can you try a bit faster you are starting to piss me off)!!

Anyway it really started to stress me out that Rabindra’s passport details were not working and we had been there for more than 20 minutes.

I stayed with Rabindra to try and explain to the woman about his amended DOB page because she wasn’t listening to Rabindra properly.

A little while later I turned around to the coffee shop and noticed a big commotion happening.

The FEDERAL POLICE and SNIFFER DOGS were gathered around the coffee shop and everyone was looking around wondering what was happening.

It didn’t take me long to realise that the centre of the commotion just might be that my pink designer bag in the coffee shop could be the result of all the SHOCK, ALARM and HORROR and that people might think there was a  BOMB IN MY BAG.

I ran over in a hurry and saw the officers who started to question me if it was my bag and why I wasn’t with it.

The officers told me that a member of the public had reported an unattended bag and thought it was highly suspicious.

I said yes it was my bag and NO I AM NOT A CRAZED TERRORIST WITH A BOMB IN MY BAG.

I tried to explain to the officers that I told the coffee shop lady I was walking over to quickly check in and that I’d be back. (The coffee woman did not pass this on to the officers, trying to avoid getting involved I suppose).

The officers took me away to a special classified area and did swabs of my bag and quizzed me on a million questions about who I was, where I was going, who my partner was, where we lived, what was I doing in Nepal, what job did I do, who I was staying with in Nepal, what my favourite food was, etc etc (well maybe not that last question).

They said I better co-operate fully OR quote… “You will not be travelling anywhere mam except to a JAIL so please co-operate”. Unquote.

Those words struck volts of fear down my body.

All I could think was, how is this happening to me?

I am meant to be starting the adventure of a lifetime, the journey I have been waiting more than 3 and half years to do, to visit my Nepali family and finally get the acceptance of our relationship that I’ve so desperately wanted.

But instead, only some hours from the time I am meant to be stepping onto the plane, I am being interrogated by federal police, being threatened with being arrested and ending up in the four walls of a jail cell with other ‘potential terrorists AKA innocent, dumb girls who get arrested at airports’ and not enjoying my butter chicken and rice and movies en route to Bangkok.

It was turning into a complete nightmare and they even said that if I don’t go to jail, I could still end up with international criminal record and a whopping fine.

When I told the officer I was a journalist, he said “how could an educated, young woman not know that this was a very serious offence?” CUE me giving the officer my very sad, stupid face. (I could not feel any shitter than I was already, thanks a lot mate).

They told me that if I was in India and that happened, the police there would take the bag outside and blow it up straight away.

Well the truth was, I had heard of stories about unattended bags in airports but I am not an accustomed international traveller and it was just a fleeting moment of forgetfulness… and bad luck that someone rang the police.

I spent 45 minutes with the officers and apologised 1000 times about how silly and naive I was, that I honestly thought I’d be 5 minutes but my partner had experienced problems with his old passport and that’s why I had taken so long.

They were actually really nice guys in the end and had a laugh with me, told me to be more cautious in the future and to enjoy my trip to Nepal.

They finished by saying that all my details were on federal records noting that I had received an official warning about my little experience at Brisbane International Airport and that if I did it again, I’d be in big, big trouble.

Trust me mate, it will never happen again. The stern warning and shock was one thing, the embarrassment was another thing.

Through the whole ordeal, Rabindra could see what was going on but I had motioned to him to stay over there and not come near me (it would complicate it more and stress him out as well).

When I went over and told Rabindra everything, he couldn’t believe what had happened but we kept saying how lucky I was.

I was still a bit shaken up and somehow calmed my nerves before we got to the gate.

As we were waiting for our flight, an important notice was being made over the speakers.

“Passengers are reminded that you are not to leave bags unattended at any time. Passengers may face criminal convictions and fines.”

I looked over to Rabindra and we couldn’t stop laughing.

I’m sure the officers had organised that little message and directed it squarely at me and I don’t blame ‘em.

Silly. Stupid. Dumb. Naive.

Yep, that’s me!

ENDNOTE: as an endnote to this story- when we flew to Delhi and Bangkok airports, these security messages were broadcasted every few minutes!!! Well, maybe that was my paranoia but it certainly gave Rabindra and I a laugh every single time 🙂

Flying into Kathmandu

It’s time

In just over a week, we will be landing in Kathmandu!!

This is not just a holiday or visit to see family.

For those following my story, you will know this trip is my first trip meeting the in-laws.

I will meet Rabindra’s parents and extended family for the first time and whilst I hide it from most people, I’m scared because it’s going to be a monumental trip for my future.

Even though Rabindra’s parents have accepted our relationship, there’s no underestimating it, we face many difficulties on this trip.

First of all we are going as an unmarried couple into a small rural village where conservatism is the norm.

On top of that we have the added issue that I am an Australian woman, not Nepali.

No-one in his family has ever been in a relationship with a foreign man or woman (except an Indian).

I don’t speak the language and the majority of his family do not speak English.

We are breaking new ground.

There will be testing times like how Rabindra’s family explains me to all the interested onlookers who all know his parents well.  Their reputation is on the line.

There’s going to be a lot of pressure on Rabindra’s parents, Rabindra and myself while we are over there.

I’ve also never been to Nepal and I’m sure I will experience some level of culture shock.

Many of my Nepali friends don’t think I can survive in the village too long.

Compared to my western world of a 9am-5pm air conditioned office job with a home that has all the basics you need, what awaits me in Nepal is a lack of running water, no electricity for most of the day, showering with my clothes outdoors in minus temperatures and using a toilet in the ground.

It’s not going to be easy but I am determined to be strong.

Wish me luck, I’m gonna need it

Nepal is on the horizon

I’m not going to jinx myself just yet *but* we are definitely close to heading to Nepal in the next few weeks/months.

Just last night I was thinking about the one thing in my life that I want to do more than anything else.

It’s to go to Nepal.

For the past two and a half years I’ve dreamt about the day I will land amongst the chaos of Kathmandu.

I want to smell the dirty air, get lost in the maze of city streets and see those beautiful temples that everyone tells me about.

I want to see the mountains that all my Nepalese friends live underneath.

I want to see Phewa Lake, set amongst the Annapurna Range in the beautiful city of Pokhara.

I want to find out about the life of my other half. His history which has made him the way he is.

I want to see where by baby grew up, his village, his schools, the cafes where he’d used to gather with friends and drink tea.

I want to meet his family, read books to his niece and nephew and cook daal bhat with his aama.

But most of all I just want to be there.

Simply live amongst it.

To stand breathing in the place I’ve been so attached to, but yet so far removed, for so long.

It’s like the other half of my life, my missing life, and I can almost touch it.

Parenting and babies- Nepalese and Australian differences

I’ve noticed that Rabindra and I have a few different views of how children should be raised.

The Nepalese way of parenting seems very different to what we are accustomed to in Australia.

Here are a few topics I will touch on today:

• Delivery of the baby
• Co-sleeping
• Dummies
• Role of mothers
• Breastfeeding
• Raising of child
• Beauty pageants

I recently saw this article  which highlights the sad cases of babies who have died while sleeping with their parents.

It reminded me of a conversation I had with Rabindra a while ago about this exact topic- co-sleeping between babies and parents.

He said that in Nepal, all babies (newborns included) sleep in the same bed as their parents up until they are 1, 2 or even 3 years of age.

I told him that in Australia it’s very uncommon to sleep with our babies because we are warned about the risks of rolling/putting our arms etc over them and suffocating the baby to death.

Rabindra told me he’d never of babies dying whilst sleeping with their parents. When he asked me where our baby would sleep, I told him in a cot (I even had to explain what a cot was) and he said that it was cruel and that any person who would do that doesn’t really love their baby (even though I said it would be in the same room as us.)

It would be UNTHINKABLE that after 6 months the baby would have its own room!!  (GASP)

Dummies are another foreign thing to Nepalese people.

Many aussie babies loveee their dummies

When we were shopping for a family member’s new baby, he picked up a dummy and asked me “WHAT IS THIS?”

I said it was for teething and so the baby doesn’t put strange objects into their mouth (come to think of it I don’t even know, it’s amazing how commonplace dummies are for babies in Aus and we don’t even think about why).

Another thing I found interesting was what some might see as a sexist remark. 

When we were in New Zealand, we saw a lot of fathers outdoors with their young children, without the mothers.

Rabindra said to me “I think in New Zealand women don’t really love their babies. Look- the dads are with their babies everywhere. No mums.”

I got angry and asked him why he said that. He said that growing up in Nepal, you didn’t see that very much. Mothers are always the ones with the children.

Fair enough. But still, I tried to explain that in countries like Australia and NZ, fathers have a much more hands-on role with raising children so don’t expect to be lazy.

Nepalese mumma with baby

Another interesting one: the birth of a baby.

In Australia, I would say 99% of women would have their husbands in the delivery room of the hospital when their baby is born. Many women would hold off, even if in heavy labour, to wait for their husbands to arrive, before their baby is born.

In Nepal this is a massive NO-NO. It’s an all-female affair. When I told Rabindra he should be there for the delivery of our baby, he was MORTIFIED AND SHOCKED.

Maybe this exclusion to men explains why Rabindra is so immature in regards to cleaning up baby poo and his shock at actually seeing where a baby comes from!

Furthermore, I’ve heard that even after a baby is born, no men visit the mother and the baby for a good while after (like brother in laws, fathers etc even sometimes their own husband).

Breastfeeding is another topic that has been discussed. Rabindra told me that, despite it being right or wrong, Nepalese women are considered “bitches” if they don’t breastfeed (Rabindra doesn’t believe this because he understand it’s not possible for every woman). Some could say many Australians also hold this view as well but by god nobody would ever say it out loud.

I think it’s because the benefits of breast milk are really drummed into mothers over there, how it’s overall much better for their health etc etc (which is true any way).

How girls are raised is also interesting to me.

Nepalese mothers put heavy eye make-up on their baby girls which would be considered quite appalling to many people in Australia. Some mothers would say it is a form of child abuse (not me but some would).

Nepalese cutie baby with kohl (eyeliner) on eyes

In Australia there is a lot of emphasis on letting kids be kids. i.e. not getting them into make-up and beauty stuff when they should just be enjoying kids’ things.

Personally I am quite shocked when I see those American beauty pagents shows. There was outrage in Australia when ONLY ONE of the shows came to Australia. Children’s groups were up in arms and the whole event was boycotted in the end I think.

I remember showing Rabindra this TV kid beauty show, and he said how cute the little girls looked and I said I disagreed with those shows because the parents put all this pressure on their girls to be beautiful and win.

Rabindra said he didn’t see the problem with it and that it was a nice activity for girls to be involved with. SIGH.

Lastly- the topic of raising older children.

If you’re married to an Asian, I’m pretty sure they can tell you stories about how they were smacked over the head if they didn’t wake up early to study before school or didn’t study late at night after school.

I guess it’s different over here in that people are encouraged to do activities outside of studying i.e. sport, socialising with other kids, activities like drama or singing classes.

Of course, study is important but it’s not encouraged 24/7 like it is in much of Asia.

These are just some of my musings and experiences with Rabindra. It’s not reflective of all Nepalese people although I sense Rabindra is not alone in his views above.

As you can see, Rabindra and I have some major differences to sort out when it comes to the future with babies and all things kids.

I can’t tell you right now whether our baby will sleep in the same bed as us or sleep in a cot, or whether or not they will be allowed to have a dummy…fun times ahead

• Can you relate to what I’m saying?
• What differences do you and your partner have when it comes to babies and raising children?
• Are there things you are totally against i.e. sleeping in same bed as baby
• How do you compromise?

Please share your comments here!

Random acts of kindness

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a random act of kindness?

What about giving a random act of kindness to a stranger?

Reading stories about random acts of kindness is one of the real things that makes me smile no matter how sad I’m feeling.

I recently read about a Brisbane guy who accidentally received an email invitation to an American’s girl’s birthday party.

A stray full stop meant the email meant for a ‘Molloy’ family member went to an email address on the other side of the world.

Instead of ignoring it, this guy sent the young girl a birthday present. He had no idea that the random act of kindness would elicit such a response online.

The mother of the girl wrote him a thank you letter thanking him for the gift for her daughter.

 “She couldn’t believe someone from the other side of the world, who doesn’t even know her, sent her a present, and not just any present, but six of them filled with cookies and goodies! I could go on and on, but to say the least, everyone who has heard this story has been touched by your kindness. It is people like you who truly restore my faith in humankind.”

It got me thinking; it’s little things like this that make you realise how life is so precious and how such small things can create happiness in the most unexpected situations.

I remember when i was about 14/15 years old. It was Christmas eve and I started thinking about the people in hospitals that night. I went out shopping for Xmas gifts for those in the children’s ward. My cousin and I delivered gifts like dolls, bubble blowers, toy cars. All the parents and kids were so grateful. I’ve never really thought much about that till now actually.

Also recently I had been given a huge box of chocolates as a gift. On the way home from work that night I was on a late train. I saw these skinny Aboriginal kids/teenagers and they were sitting near me talking alot but with manners and politeness. They were probably going to be on the train for an hour or so. I remember looking down at my chocolates thinking “I don’t need these”. As I was about to get off I turned around to them and said, here, have these chocolates. I’ll never forget their faces, they were just so happy surprised. I think they were too shocked to say thanks. When i got off the train i looked through the window and they had their hands up the glass looking out and smiling at me.

One of my best friends in the world Bianca is a cancer survivor.

She was diagnosed with a life-threatening form of cancer at 21 years old.

Through all the pain and disheartenment, Bianca loves to share a story about a stranger in the shopping centre who saw this young cancer patient had lost all of her hair.

He gave her all the money he had in his wallet. And it was a large amount too. Just ‘coz.

Here are a couple of other people’s random acts of kindness:

“I met my Mum at her work for lunch years ago and we went to a nearby park, as we got up to leave I noticed she had left 2 sandwiches and a piece of cake wrapt up on the bench and I said ‘Mum you left your lunch there” and she replied ‘oh no, there not mine, I leave them for Mick’, I said who’s Mick?’ and she just pointed to a homeless man waiting quietly across the park for us to leave and pick up the sandwiches. She explained she used to always see him rummaging through the bins in the park and as she said I have to make my own sandwich anyway, I may as well make 2 extra. What about the cake I asked, well that was just Mick’s little treat.”

“I was on a prepaid ticket only bus around Xmas. An elderly man hopped on and as he was looking in his bag the bus driver drove off. He did not notice that it was a ticket only bus and when he tried to pay with coins the bus driver told him that he could not and he would have to get off at the next stop. I had a 2 more rides left on my ticket so I handed it over and told him to have my ticket. When I told him that I did not want anything for it and he could keep it for his return journey the smile on his face made my day!”

It’s so true how small actions to one person in the world can foster such happiness amongst individuals, and in turn, the greater universe.

I would love you to share any acts of random kindess you have given to others or maybe you have been on the receiving end of one… please, it would make my day.

P.S. I have updated my blogroll because there were many I no longer found interesting and others that don’t list my site so why should I list theirs!! Hahaha

Dashain 2011 photos

This year we celebrated Dashain festival at our house.

We had around 20 people celebrate the day with us.

Everyone told me they had a fantastic time.

We gave tikka, ate goat meat (khasi ko masu), played cards and had a great day.

Here are some photos of the day:

Me receiving tikka from Rabindra

Me receiving tikka from didi

ME and rabindra giving tikka to friend

 

A pic of our house ready for Dashain (I went a bit overboard with the decorating)

I spoke to Rabindra’s parents on the day to wish them a happy Dashain. It was a special moment for me.

Rabindra’s mum even asked Rabindra- “Did you cut the goat?”” Haha. Sorry aama we can’t go and catch/kill a goat here in Australia. She was cute.

How was your Dashain??

When the path leads to somewhere…

Most people have some type of direction in their life.

They know what they want to do in their foreseeable future. It might be to stay and work in their country, travel at some point, marry their partner and buy a house.

It might not come in a certain order but at least they know they have options.

For Rabindra and I, certainty and stability is something we crave.

We want to be able to plan our life with some type of direction but it all comes down to what happens in the next few months.

The next few months will be testing times for us.

A month from now we do not know where we will be in the world. It sounds glamorous, but really it’s not.

Rabindra and I could be in Australia, we could be in Nepal or we could be in India.

You see we are on the countdown to getting news about Rabindra’s visa so that means we may have to leave Australia and we won’t know when we’re coming back.

On the other hand, we could be given a break from the hell that we have faced in the past 18 months and he could be given a visa so that we can go to Nepal and return to Australia when we want.

Nobody really knows what we’ve been through in the past few years.

The fear that has consumed us has played its toll on us, but thankfully our relationship is stronger than ever and I feel we can face the future with our eyes wide open.

For now, please think of us as we go through this next part of our journey.

It will be a time when our relationship is put on a pedestal for a government department to pick apart and analyse every aspect of us.

We don’t need to be questioned about why we didn’t ‘date’ for very long; sometimes relationships are like that, so please don’t judge us.

We don’t need to be asked why we haven’t married yet; that’s for us to know.

We don’t need to be asked why we didn’t live together straight away; it was hard at that time.

And most of all we don’t want immigration to question our whole reason for being together, because love, as many of you know, does not think, it just happens.

Signing off

Casey x