Thinking about having an intercultural relationship? Read this first

To be honest there are some things I wish my-younger-self had known some years ago.

Sometimes when you’re in love, nothing else seems to matter and we find ourselves doing and saying things to our partners to make them happy not knowing the impact of our decisions later on.

For example, years ago when  my husband and I were contemplating where to live, we did have to consider where we might live other than Australia.

In my rush of extreme feelings I would say “we can just live in Nepal, as long as I’m with you, that’s all that matters.”

Looking back now, I wouldn’t be so hasty in my decision to leave Australia forever and live in Nepal (especially because ahhh I hadn’t even before to Nepal at that time and now I have…that was a wake-up call).

I get a lot of readers who ask me for advice on intercultural relationships and have shared with me the difficulties they are facing in their intercultural relationship.

It has made me realise that the wave of emotions I felt during the challenges in my own intercultural relationship were actually quite normal and that I wasn’t alone in my feelings.

Common questions I struggled with alone back then are common questions I now get asked by other women like Why do Nepali men not show much affection in public? Why hasn’t he introduced me to his parents yet? Why do we have to think about living with his parents and brothers and their wives and their children?

This post is about what you should consider before saying yes to an intercultural/multicultural marriage and is especially targeted at those in South-Asian / Western relationships.

Here’s a list of a few things you should talk to your partner about before you consider entering into a relationship or marriage from another culture.

Family’s acceptance
If your partner’s family does not accept their son/daughter’s relationship with you because you are a foreigner, what does that mean for your relationship? Will your partner promise to stay with you despite the family’s disapproval? How do you feel about them having to choose between their family and you? This is a question you should ask your partner about quite early on. You can read about the significance of marriage in Nepali society here including my experience of telling the in-laws.

Where to live
Where will you live? Will you live in your country or theirs? What if they want to move back to Nepal/India etc in the future permanently? Could you live in a third world country battling the physical elements and societal/cultural differences? How do you feel about that? What if they grow unhappy in your country because they miss their culture? Would you encourage them to move back to their home country… and would you go too? This is a big one and not something you probably can discuss until the time comes to deal with it.

Who will you live with?
In Western culture, this is a non-question; you live with your husband/ wife and your kids only. But in South Asian culture, it’s common for the sons and the son’s wife  to live with his parents under the same roof, often with your brother in law, his wife and their kids. Big, joint families are common in Nepal and India. How do you feel about living under the same roof 24/7 with your in-laws following their way of life and customs? What if you have a chauvinistic brother in law or father in law or a mother in law who doesn’t respect you? Would you decide to remain in an unhappy home for the sake of family or would you break the family tide and move out? How do you feel about living with your in-laws if the culture expects men and women to eat separately?

More importantly, how will you live?
How are you going to balance both cultures? Celebrating Dashain/Christmas/Easter/Teej is the easiest part. What about day to day life of who works/provides and who cooks/cleans? Will you have to do both? Will you follow caste and other societal expectations in your home? What would you do if your family practiced ‘chaupaudi’ where you are segregated from eating with your family because you have your period and are considered impure? Do you let that happen or do you speak up?

Gender roles
Nepali women are expected to behave a certain way but if you’re a foreigner married to a Nepali – there is some leeway – but not much. The gender bias and prejudice against women in Nepal is a big issue. Some Nepali girls have told me the expectations of them are: to speak with a lower voice; be a subservient woman/wife/buhari; always dress covered up; follow traditional women’s role of cooking/cleaning/childbearing while working full time (or not working) and not partake in drinking/smoking/socialising with men…gasp… and other similar “evils”. Majority of western women do not follow these strict cultural rules or at least have freedom to choose against them. Other Nepali women who have been exposed to both their home culture and western countries find a mix between these issues as do most goris. But how you feel about these customs (where relevant) if they were expected of you? If your partner doesn’t like you doing them, that could be a serious issue between you two to sort out. If your in-laws expect you to follow these traditions, there is likely to be some head-butting. In my experience these issues are usually the main cause of why intercultural relationships breakdown, mostly because it’s hard to strike an equal balance between both cultures and the in-laws’ expectations.

Money and finance issues
In many South-Asian cultures, money is shared and loaned between families and is an expected custom. If you have in-laws, cousins, brother/sisters in law back in Nepal or India, you are probably expected to financially support them in the future because they won’t be earning the kind of money you earn. I’m not talking about loaning some money here and then when they are stuck, I am talking about big money like buying them land, a house, a car, motorbike etc. This is a big issue for couples; it’s hard enough to get ahead if living abroad because of the high cost of living. So would you be willing to send $30,000 of you and your partner’s money to buy land or $100,000 to buy them a home even though you will never live in it and you don’t even have a house of your own? What about your own future and your kids future too? It’s fine if you have an income to support both families but what if you don’t? Giving money to family members and loaning money can cause a lot of strain in intercultural relationships.

Raising children
If you have children, what would you teach them your culture and your partner’s culture? What if there is pressure from your partner or in-laws to raise them ‘more’ Nepali/Indian than Western? It’s a question you will probably get asked and it’s question you will be asking yourself. Obviously it’s easy to say both but there is a blurred line here because of the depth of South Asian culture and all the rules/rituals/customs.

What will you teach them about how girls are treated? In Nepal, when a girl has her period in many families, she is not allowed to enter the kitchen. Do you pass that on to your daughter because it’s part of their culture or do you take a stand and say that will never happen to my daughter? What if your daughter is told what she wears is inappropriate and that she has to cover up? What if your teenage daughter has her period and is told by aunties/grandmothers/mothers that she is impure and cannot take tikka at festivals or be allowed into temples because she is considered ‘impure’ because she is bleeding?

Will you raise your children the traditional way that boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are unacceptable or will you encourage your children to be open with you about their relationships?  What if your 16-yo daughter wants to have sex with her boyfriend?  In Nepali/Indian culture sex before marriage is generally frowned upon. In western culture, sex before marriage is much more acceptable and many parents will educate their children about safe sex practices from a young age. You and your partner need to discuss issues like this before having a child because if you are of different values, it could turn out terribly in a marriage and as your raise children?
Will you tell them to follow caste rules?

Will you raise them as a Hindu, Christian, neither or something else? Will you give them beef at a young age or not?
Even though you had a love marriage, what if your partner expects your children will have an arranged marriage? Would you let your partner help arrange your child’s marriage? (Surprisingly many modern couples still want their children to have an arranged marriage)
How often will you take them to your partner’s home country and what aspects will you expose them to?

As you can see there is a lot to think about and while in western society it would be seen as crazy to ask your partner such in-depth questions early on in your relationship, in intercultural relationships, you seriously have to think about these things. A reader of this blog got married to a Nepali and it wasn’t until later was told by her husband that she would have to live with his parents permanently. She was shocked because she didn’t know enough about these expectations of Nepali society and he didn’t trap her because he genuinely thought it was so normal that you don’t even ask questions about it. It ended up in divorce.

Also, it’s completely normal to have arguments/differences in opinions over these matters (trust me – we’ve had our fair share) and it doesn’t mean they are deal breakers in your relationships but at some point you have to find a common ground on the core ones which affect your values. If you can find that balance by communicating and working on any issues, you will be happy together.

If you disagree strongly on most of the fundamental issues I’ve raised, it’s worth questioning whether you should be together at all. I don’t say that out of spite, I say it out of experience because I’ve been exposed to the issues many intercultural couples face.

My advice is clear: Ask your partner these kinds of things before marriage… it may save heartache and separation down the track.

What other tips would you give to those in an intercultural relationship?

Do you have any more questions to add to this list?

How much should you change to adapt to your spouse’s culture?

I’m back!  I must admit I have been craving writing after my little hiatus away. After I said I was having a break from blogging, I had many people from around the world contact me to say that my blog had been an important outlet of advice for them, helping them to navigate many issues they have faced in their own intercultural relationship. So, thank you for all the support, I am very heartened.

My husband and I just got back from our honeymoon in Europe and on the way back to Australia, I was on the plane looking at R thinking to myself ‘look what he has done for me’.

That might sound weird, but let me explain.

Most Nepali people don’t even know what a honeymoon is.

I know a few Nepali couples who have lived in a Western country for most of their life who have gone on honeymoons but a quick poll of my 40-50 Nepali friends is evident enough- no- they didn’t go on a honeymoon.

After marriage in Nepal, it is very uncommon for a newly married bride and groom to go on a holiday together somewhere for a romantic time.

To be honest, the whole notion of romantic gestures in Nepal are rare (yes some people will disagree with me) but compared to Western culture, romantic gestures such as honeymoons are very uncommon (happy to be challenged on this if any of you have any evidence!)

So, I had to explain to Rabindra what a honeymoon is and why it’s important to me. Yes it’s part of Western/Australian culture but it’s also a helluva good idea to have a break after a stressful year with the wedding!

It took Rabindra a while to get used to the idea of a Honeymoon…(hhhhmm a good two years) but he came around and agreed to my idea of an overseas honeymoon.

Anyway, back to the point of this blog, which is this: how much should you change to adapt to your spouse’s culture?  In a recent interview I did with a magazine, I was asked about what advice I would give to others in an intercultural relationship.

My answer was something that has only come to me  very recently, only in the past year or so. It was this: “It’s important to compromise but it’s also important to hold on to our own culture and not lose who we are. If you change yourself too much to adapt to your partner’s culture, you will lose your own identity.”  

 

This is still the most powerful advice I’ve ever given myself.  

I often think about the changes both of us have made to adapt and be apart of each other’s culture.

It’s virtually impossible to not change when you are married to a person whose entire culture, background, and even basic ideologies are different from your own.

I feel like I have made many changes to adapt to Nepali culture, but Rabindra has too.

For me, learning the language, dressing up in sari etc, taking tikka, wearing sindoor, marking Nepali festivals, cooking Nepali food etc and trying to understand the different parts of Nepali culture, are just some of the changes I have made.

While I am open to making compromises there are some parts of Nepali culture which I will stand firm on because they are against my core values, something which I am not willing to change.

I disagree with many parts of Nepali culture, for example,  the exclusion of girls during their periods because they are ‘unclean’, the inequality women and girls face in all facets of life and many other patriarchal parts of Nepali society which are too extensive to list here.

Essentially, I try not to sweat the small stuff. If it’s an important matter, I will try really hard to understand him and where he  or his family is coming from. But if it’s important to me, I will express myself and not give in.

Maybe the next time you are facing an issue with your partner or in-laws, ask yourself , is this really important to me? Is it a part of my identity and what matters to me? Or is it more of a small problem which we can discuss and face together?

It may sound like simple advice, but I hope I have explained a clear enough distinction between the two.

The honeymoon is just a small example of what Rabindra changed for the sake of me. This was also not a part of his core values or ideologies therefore he could openly change.

Other parts of his culture such as not eating beef and honouring his elders, just to name a few, are part of his core values and ones which I do not expect him to change.

I honestly belief if you change your own values, it will only lead you to have regret, dissidence and resentment in the future.

In all relationships, there is give and take. But in intercultural relationships, a great deal of effort and understanding has to occur to ensure there is an equal balance of give and take.

How much have you changed for the sake of your partner’s culture?

Are there things you will stand firm on, against what your partner or in-laws believe in?

Or have you changed for your partner and regretted it later?

Have your say

A break from blog-land

I am going to give blogging a break for a while mainly because I used to find this blog very liberating but lately it hasn’t been. I have had privacy issues, trolls and essentially a lot of negativity.

I am fine though and funnily enough, when I push away the really negative parts of Nepali culture that disturb me, I am incredibly happy with just being with my man.

All of those negatives I saw in the Nepali culture flared up in a fairly short, intense period last year and they haven’t come into our life for the last couple of months.

If I can find enough mental strength to put these negative aspects out of my mind once and for all, I will be truly free.

The next chapter of my journey consists of love, career, travel and some half Aussie/Nepali babies hopefully on the way…

If there are any girls in intercultural relationships who want to keep in touch, you can email me at aussie_chick_star@hotmail.com

Much love

C

Being treated differently in Nepal & being refused from Hindu temples

I thought I would share some of the negative experiences I had as a foreigner while travelling throughout Nepal last year.

I feel sharing my experiences may help other foreigners to understand certain behaviours before they travel to Nepal.

Even though  it’s common for many tourists to be overcharged and ripped off whilst travelling through Asia, I must admit it was pretty ludicrous in Nepal.

It first started on one of my first shopping trips to a scarf shop in Thamel.

The price the man gave me for a handmade shawl was around $30 AUD. I left the shop and told Rabindra the price outside.

Two minutes later Rabindra went in and the salesman offered it to Rabindra for $6 AUD. So I figured this is how it was going to roll in Nepal…but that wasn’t so bad.

This was virtually repeated during most of my 6-week trip to Nepal. I don’t mind paying extra to support small shop owners -and let’s face it our dollar is worth much more than the Nepali dollar- but it riled me up when I would have to wait and hide around a corner and get Rabindra to do the shopping for the stuff I wanted to buy.

It was also pretty ridiculous having to hide in a nearby shop or street when Rabindra or his brother were negotiating our taxi fare rate across Kathmandu. It seemed every single time they saw me the price would magically increase so to get a fair price I would have to hide somewhere away from the taxi, it was pretty stupid!

Another thing that annoyed me was the fact that entry prices to museums, parks etc had two prices- a local price and a foreigner price (which was usually 500% more than the local price).

Because I was travelling with locals, it was a bit different than if I was travelling with other tourists. We could go and pay the entry fee and it would end in a big argument with the guards because Rabindra tried to argue I was a local- even with my red hair and fair skin obvious to everyone!

The arguing was not all about money. It was a matter of principle. In fact, it was about equality.

Rabindra would say: “mero budi nepali ho,” “wahaako nepali passport ho” roughly translated to “my wife is a nepali”, “she has a nepali passport.”

The guard would look at us and refuse and more arguing would ensue (even one time we got pulled into a special room – gasp-). Eventually they would let me in on the cheaper price, mostly because of Rabindra being so tall and towering over the top of them!

The common situation was us rocking up together with mummy, dad, rabindra, rabindra’s  bhai, didi, aunty and cousins all in tow and being told “that’s 50 rupees each – but hey—whose this foreigner? Let’s charge her 500 rupees!”

It’s pretty degrading to be singled out every single time and I got sick of preparing myself for another long argument of Rabindra v The Entry Guard at every new place we went.

It happened at the museum in Pokhara, the Mankanama Temple cable car, the elephant breeding park at Chitwan, the main entry of the Pashupatinath temple and a couple of other times.

But the next examples are even worse.

One day we went to Bhakatpur, and for those not familiar with Kathmandu- Bhakatpur is a public space in an outdoor area.

Yes, the area is heritage listed but it’s still a public place which has shops, temples and normal buildings around it.

To me, it was any normal, outdoor public place in Nepal. As we approached the entry in our vehicle, the guard saw everyone in our Jeep and thinking they were all Nepali, he started to wave us through without having to paying anything. But then he saw me in the back of the Jeep and asked the driver to stop.

He then told the driver it was free for all 7 Nepali people in our car but I would have to pay $30USD to enter a public place.

By this time, I’d really had enough. It was bad enough having to pay a different “foreigner” price at private companies but this was a public place and there was no cost for Nepalis.

For about 20 minutes my Nepali uncle (who is actually my friend’s father-in-law) argued with the guard about how discriminatory it was before I finally got let in at no charge.

He has travelled throughout Australia and other countries and said it was a disgrace that that happened to me.

But more discrimination was yet to come.

While I was in Nepal I rolled my ankle and had to get x-rays. Our friend went to a doctor’s practice in Pokhara and asked how much it was for an ankle x-ray to see if my foot was broken.

Our friend returned and told us the price and that he had booked an appointment for me in the afternoon.

When we went back that afternoon, the receptionist told me that an x-ray on my foot would be almost four times the price my friend was originally quoted.

Straight away we knew it was because they saw me and thought they would jack up the prices.

My friend had a boisterous argument with staff at the practice and roughly translated he said something like “She doesn’t have a f***** iron leg mate”!

Suffice to say it was a bit of a drama.

But actually my most negative experience that really made me upset was when I was refused from every Hindu temple I tried to enter.

It happened on three occasions- twice in Kathmandu and also in a very remote region of the Himalayas.

Before entering these temples, it never once crossed my mind or Rabindra’s mind, that I would not be allowed in.

When I went to enter the guard would tell us it was not their policy to allow foreigners (read: white people) inside temples.

I guess it’s because most of us ‘white’ people eat beef and cows are the Gods of Hindus. It may also be because many believe you are not a true Hindu unless you are born a Hindu, and you can’t convert to Hinduism.

It made me think about the many cross-cultural relationships in the world where one partner really respects and begins to follow their partner’s religion/culture. If you were serious about the religion and this happened to you, it could cause problems in your relationship.

It also made me think about the genuine ‘white’ Hindus who have converted to Hinduism and may practice the religion much stronger than other ‘brown-looking’ Nepalis.

What about if we have kids and they have white skin but they have been brought up as Hindu? I wonder what the guards would do then.

Anyway, the first time we went we didn’t want to make a scene so I just waited outside by myself while Rabindra and everyone else went inside. I wasn’t that affected by it.

The second time I could tell it really upset Rabindra. I was also sad and he only went inside for a minute or two before leaving and coming outside.

Rabindra confronted the guards on the second two times and made a very important point.

He said to the guards:  “look at my face. How do you know I am not a Nepali Christian or a Muslim. You can’t tell by the look of my face just like you can’t tell by the look of her face what she is. How do you know I don’t eat beef?”

I was really proud of Rabindra for sticking up for me and he made a really strong point to both guards.

Yes, they don’t accept foreigners but why? Is it because we eat beef? Or is it because we have white skin even though Hinduism may be all we’ve ever followed.

The policy of rejecting foreigners is extremely flawed in Nepal. While I can understand them not wanting non-believers in their temples, people who ‘eat’ their Gods, their policy is blatantly racist as you can’t tell by the look of someone if they are of one religious persuasion or another. For all they knew, Rabindra could have been a beef-eating Christian!

The funny thing is that as a result of all that rejection in Hindu temples, I was whole-heartily welcomed in every Buddhist temple. Rabindra now jokes he is a Buddhist not a Hindu as it is a much more accepting religion, and I have to agree.

So, there you go, I experienced plenty of discrimination whilst in Nepal.

I made some poignant points to Rabindra and my other Nepali friends which I hope is shared amongst other Nepalis in the world.

• In Australia, Asians or other “foreigners” would never be singled out and expected to pay a separate, inflated price simply because of the colour of their skin. In Australia this would be called blatant racism.
• Public places in Australia (except for events that are held in public places) do not have a guard at the front picking and choosing who looks “Australian” and who does not. I have never ever heard of someone letting in Aussies for free and charging a price for different looking “Asians” , once again a case of racism.
• In Australia, whilst shopping in most stores, tourists will generally pay the exact same price as a local. No bargaining over here.
• And lastly, even whilst I am certainly not a religious Catholic by any means, no Catholic church would ever refuse any man or woman from entering their church (unless they were dangerous, drunk, violent etc)- no matter whether their skin was black, white, blue or green.

No double standards in that regard.

Can anyone related to my experiences?

Did you experience discrimination in Nepal, India or another country?

Do you think I’m overreacting to my experiences or should all tourists expect this when they travel through Asia?

Please share your thoughts here.

Intercultural reading

Who else out there is a book worm?

I thought I would start a post on some of my favourite books about Nepal; intercultural relationships; hardship and some general books about culture for those wishing to expand their book case and their knowledge!

I find reading a book is a way to escape into another world, a chance to see through someone else’s eyes and walk beside them on their journey.

I tend to enjoy non-fiction and biographies over fiction however I am still trying different styles of reading.

I am one of those people who say “this is my favourite book”, then the next minute, “no actually this is my fave”, “oh wait, this is my real number 1”.

There are still a lack of books about intercultural relationships out there and I am yet to find a book about an intercultural relationship with a Nepali man so please let me know if you know of any!

I am also on the lookout for a good book about the Maoist war in Nepal and what the ordinary people went through at the time (after all Rabindra lived through this war). Let me know if you know of any.

So I am not going to give you my favourite book but I’ll give you a list of some of my best books as well as what books are on my “to do” list.

If you are not much of a reader, may be start with one of the books below and see what you think! Get ready for your mind to open and your heart to melt 🙂

Please feel free to share your reviews of any of the books below and add some of your favourite books so the rest of us can see what you are reading.

Thanks and Happy Reading!

Best reads

“Not without my Daughter” by Betty Mahmoody.

Whilst some might say this book is biased, I found it to be a very interesting read from the perspective of a Westerner married to an Iranian Muslim man. Betty’s true story was made into a movie. It made me think a lot about my relationship in the future. What if Rabindra wanted to go back to Nepal and no longer live in Australia. What would I do? Would I let our children go? Although her situation is very different and her story is dark and dangerous, it is a great read, I loved it!

“Little Princes” by Connor Grennan.

This book inspired me to do more volunteering in Nepal and to never give up on the people. I will always be grateful for this book because no matter what happens in my life, helping people like he did, will always be what I truly love. I cried nearly every single page because I could relate to the Nepalese children. This book is not for everyone but because it’s almost wholly based in Nepal, I couldn’t put it down.

“The Thirty Six” by Siegmund Siegreich

This book has nothing to do with Nepal, culture or intercultural relationships but it is a book that really resonated with me. This man’s true story shows how people from privileged, good families can have their lives uprooted all because of greed, war and corruption. This book really inspired me to learn more about history and wars. I really want to travel to Poland and visit the Nazi concentration camps when I go to Europe. This book is a heart-starter from start to finish!

“The Kite Runner” by Khaled Hosseini.

I am very close to saying this book is my absolute favourite book but I won’t! It is so amazing and has been read by millions of people around the world and also been made into a film. I am interested in reading about Afghanistan so that’s what drew me to this book but the basic threads of life- friendship and family- are actually what this book boils down to. Please read it!!!

“The People Smuggler” by Robyn deCrespigny.

This is the true story an Ali Ali Jenabi, an Iraqi asylum seeker who came to Australia by boat. He told the story of living under Sadam Hussein’s regime in Iraq and the tragic life his family faced as a result. You can’t help but feel his pain and suffering. The story has some bad parts and I don’t like how it ends with no real conclusion (I guess because his story is still ongoing) but this is certainly a powerful read.

What I am reading now

“Henna for the Broken Hearted” by Sharelle Cook.

Sharelle also runs a popular blog “Diary of an Indian Housewife”. You can find her blog in my blogroll to the right. I have just started reading this book about Sharelle, a Melbourne woman who moves to India and finds love. Only a chapter in and I am feeling very connected to her story and how material things in life just do not bring happiness like many think it does. I have also become friends on Facebook with Sharelle and I hope we can continue to share our different stories! I will update everyone on this book once I’ve finished!

Books to read next

The Gurkha’s Daughter by Prajwal Parajuly.
I cannot wait to read this book! First of all Rabindra is the from the Chettri caste in Nepal and many of his family members have served in the British and Indian armies as Gurkha soldiers so I have a bit of a connection there to the Gurkhas. This story is about Nepali people, their identities and their origins. Will be buying this very soon!!!

A Black Englishman by Carolyn Slaughter
The blurb states “India, 1920: exotic, glamorous, and violent, as the country begins to resist England’s colonial grip. In the midst of this turmoil, Isabel, a young British military wife, begins a passionate liaison with Sam, an Indian doctor and Oxford graduate who insists, against all odds, on the right to be both black and British. Their secret devotion to each other takes them across India in a terrifying, deadly race against time and tradition.” Looks like a good one!

The Pleasure Seekers by Tishani Doshi
This story is about an Indian man falling in love with a European girl and his family don’t accept. I have heard really good reviews about this book!

Shiva’s Arms by Cheryl Snell
Another story about an intercultural relationship with an Indian woman and the girl’s struggle to be accepted by the family. The blurb says it “evolves into an exploration of cultural identity, the power of reconciliation, and the meaning of home.” Can’t wait to read it.

Forbidden Lessons in a Kabul Guesthouse: The True Story of a Woman Who Risked Everything to Bring Hope to Afghanistan by Suraya Sadeed, Damien Lewis.
I want to read this because of my interest in Afghanistan. This woman is quite remarkable!

The other books I have heard decent reviews about are these:

Calcutta Exile by Bunny Suraiya
The Magic of Saida by M G Vassanji
The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy
The Rug Merchant by Meg Mullins
The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai
Saffron Dreams Shaila Abdullah
Sideways on a Scooter: Life and Love in India by Miranda Kennedy

Happy New Year

To all my lovely readers,

I know it has been a long time between drinks (has anyone heard this popular saying?) , but I wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year.

2012 has been an amazing year. Reflecting on the troubles I have had in the past few years, I can only be grateful for the many good things that have happened to me in 2012.

2012 gave me hope when, before, I was lost.

I was actually able to enjoy being Rabindra’s fiancée instead of worrying about us constantly being separated.

2012 gave me the chance to go to Nepal. It was enriching and life-changing all in one breath.

I met Rabindra’s parents, and for us who had been through so much, it meant life could resume in the way I’d hoped it would.

I have a new lease on life and hope 2013 will be even richer.

Wedding plans are in the mix. I will be sure to update you all in time.

Love and sunshine x

whitegirlinasari

The crap parts of Nepali culture

I see stories like this and I can’t help but despise some parts of Nepali culture:

A girl died in Nepal’s far-west after being buried under a landslide in a cow-shed, where she had been confined while menstruating, local media reported Thursday.

In the western districts of the country, girls are confined to sheds during menstruation, in a local tradition called chaupadi. They are forbidden to visit temples or enter the house during their period and are made to sleep in the cow-sheds.

Kumari Basnet, 16, was killed in a remote village in Jajarkot district on Monday night, when the shed was buried under a landslide, The Kathmandu Post daily reported.

Women are considered impure during menstruation in the Hindu tradition.

In western Nepal, many women following the chaupadi tradition die due to infections or attack by animals. Some also fall victim to rapists because the sheds are sometimes located at a distance from houses.

Source: DPA. Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/world/girl-dies-during-menstrual-confinement-in-nepal-20120913-25v4r.html#ixzz26gBKafMx

I am told many of those who follow these beliefs are uneducated people from remote regions of Nepal but as I have shared with you before, it’s also something that happens in educated, modern families. It happens in Australia (not being confined to a shed but certainly women I know of do not enter temples or take “tikka” when they have their period because women are considered ‘impure’ at this time.)

You would think we are living in the 15th century. But no, this is the 21st century and it’s still happening.

On a whole, women will always be seen as inferior if beliefs and practices like this continue.

Girls should not be treated like animals because they have something as natural as their period, something which gives life, and without which none of us would be here.

Society can only change if people stand up for what is right. Young women and men should put an end to this by speaking up and saying ‘this is not right’.

Like if you agree!

Living in Nepal- my very deep thoughts

Lately I’ve really been thinking about whether or not I could live in Nepal.

Rabindra and I have discussed this recently and it’s something that scares me a fair bit. He has mentioned that we could move to Nepal if we got sick of life here or after our prime years of working, we could consider moving back to Nepal essentially to “retire”.

We have absolutely no plans to move there permanently but I can’t say that Rabindra will feel like this forever. There may be a time he longs for his homeland, the life he had as a child with his loving family, and we may have to make that decision. So…what would I do?

Life in Australia is all I’ve ever known. Whilst Australian culture cannot be as easily identified as Nepal with its strong traditions and culture, life in Australia is about comfort, freedom, family, fun and an easygoing lifestyle.

Before I visited Nepal I felt that no matter what I could live there. I think my love for Rabindra was so strong that it lulled me into thinking I could live in Nepal no matter the situation. Part of me thinks that’s because I was so desperate to fit into the culture that I would do anything to be accepted.

Since visiting Nepal, I have mixed feelings about whether or not I could live there, like permanently.

There were a number of challenges, firstly the physical conditions. It was freezing and I spent most of my time feeling cold. The lack of hot water (no hot water in his home at all). Bouts of electricity blackouts. Washing all clothes by hand. Cleaning dishes in the dark outside under freezing water. Having to go outside in the middle of the night to use the toilet. Not having a normal toilet and eating the same food of dhal bhaat everyday.

These are by no means criticisms of Rabindra’s family. This is real life in Nepal. And for many this is an absolute privileged life to have dhal bhat every day, to have running water, to have a toilet.

I do not want to complain about these conditions but I wanted to be honest and share my experiences. I cannot help that my Australian upbringing has given me these luxuries my whole life and I never questioned these privileges. It has certainly made me appreciate these little things since arriving back in Australia.

The biggest challenge of all was being unable to communicate with people. Some days I felt so lonely because I couldn’t understand a thing and I had nobody to talk to.

This triggered something in me. I realised that even if I had Rabindra in Nepal, I still needed people to talk to. People who could understand me. I wanted good friends or my family there.

And the other really big thing that scares me about moving to Nepal?

Well, it’s something I have not really shared with many people but it’s this. The expectation of women and their role in society.

Only some Nepali women have careers and when they get married and have children, they very much become housewives and are expected to give up work to be the housewife, live in the husband’s home with his parents and take care of their children.

The whole notion in Nepal of women moving to her husband’s house and leaving her parents after marriage is something I am not 100% comfortable with.

The other thing is I am really focused on my career at the moment and I have really strong ambitions for the future. I don’t think living in Nepal would develop this side of me. Then again, maybe it would.

People who know me know that I am very set on having a family and I adore babies. Motherhood is something I would not be complete without. I’m also very passionate about many things from human rights, to journalism, multiculturalism and education.

But I can’t imagine being just a mother a wife. This is so important to me but it’s not my everything. I need to be satisfied that I am doing even more with my life.

I also enjoy being young and feeling young. Having freedom, going out my friends and not worrying what people think of me. I am not being mean but in Nepal, it’s true that society doesn’t like women to be too independent. Married women have responsibilities to act a certain way. (In saying this I got this impression more from young Nepali women living in Australia than I did at Rabindra’s home).

So what scares me more than anything is being expected to give it all up to fit in like a true Nepali women (who are seriously amazing to do what they do) but it’s not for every woman.

Maybe I am over thinking things, maybe Rabindra’s family wouldn’t expect me to give it up and be that ‘Nepali woman’. Maybe they will understand. Maybe they won’t accept it. I don’t know.

I feel I am being selfish when I think of this situation but I wanted to be honest and say with certainty that the thought of moving to Nepal and living there scares me. Be honest, am I being unfair? Am I misrepresenting the expectations of women?

On the other hand, I had a very strong connection to Nepal when I visited there. I loved the place, it’s amazingly beautiful and the people were so lovely and friendly. When we have children I would love them to spend some of their upbringing in their father’s home country with his family.

So there it is. I have laid my feelings out bare for all to see. I hope i don’t cop too much criticism.

For the other goris out there- can you relate to me? What were your impressions of your husband’s home country and could you fit into society as a local ‘Nepali’ wife/mother and not just a visitor? What would you do if your partner/husband expected you to live in his country? Does it scare you like it scares me?

Please share your thoughts.

From Australia to Nepal (part 3)

On my second day in Nepal was a bandh (strike) over the price of petrol.

It meant all of Kathmandu and other parts of the country were closed for business and no vehicles were allowed on the road (except press and emergency vehicles).

I was still feeling a bit uneasy from my first day in Nepal and so I was hesitant to leave the hotel on this day but Rabindra promised it was safe for us to be outside. I was also in Nepal to do some reporting so I thought I should really experience what a bandh is like.

As we were leaving the hotel, a big group of tourists from Korea were trying to leave the gates of the hotel but the guard told them that it was a bandh and they should stay inside.

I was a bit nervy seeing tourists being told to stay inside but Rabindra re-assured me and the guard smiled as we left the gates.

Outside, things were fairly normal. There were less people on the streets and no god-awful car horns beeping every five seconds.

The protests were fairly tame, in some ways very similar to a street protest in Australia.

I guess the only difference was that there were no cars on the road and the police were heavily armed with firearms, battons and bullet-proof chest guards.

It got a bit scary when we were pushed off the road by a large mob walking up the street waving flags and the police were in close proximity. I then saw a group of men starting a fire in the middle of the road, burning wood and other objects.

Rabindra and I stayed out of all the action but I got stared at everywhere I went. Rabindra laughed and said they probably thought I was the international media (I had a big DSLR camera hanging around my neck) and he (Rabindra) was my guide.

Funnily enough not long after that a group of guys pointed and called out “BBC News” to me and started giving me the peace sign.

Kathmandu bandh

 

After a day on foot of discovering the city, Rabindra, his cousin, brother and I were planning to meet up with one of his aunties who was in Kathmandu to take her daughter to the airport.

It ended up being quite a big family gathering with Rabindra’s aunty and five other of her family members coming.

When the aunty and family members arrived at the restaurant, I greeted them all with Namaste.

All of the family members said Namaste back except for that one aunty who barely acknowledged by existence.

Rabindra told me she was probably just nervous so I tried to take it easy. I spent most of the night feeling entirely left out.

Only one person could speak English with me and while it was nice this dai was trying to include me in the conversation, I could tell it was akward amongst me and the aunty.

I went and sat with the women at the end of the table and I tried to speak in Nepali and she kept ignoring me.

I had no idea what I had done to be treated so rudely at my first real introduction to some older members of Rabindra’s family.

When we finished eating and went outside, they crossed the road and didn’t say goodbye.

The hurt hit me and I was so quiet on the walk back to the hotel. Rabindra and his brother noticed I was upset, I couldn’t hide it.

When I got back to the room I sobbed to Rabindra, confused and upset about what I’d done to make this angry aunty so hostile to me.

I always knew that meeting the women of the family would really determine my future relationship with Rabindra’s family because if I couldn’t impress his sister, mum and aunties, there wasn’t much hope for the longevity of my relationship with his family.

In two days time I would be travelling to the village to see his hajuraama, mummy, didi, dad, and the rest of the family. I didn’t need this self-doubting, this stress. I’d already had plenty of those in the past two years as we fought to get to this stage of meeting the parents.

Rabindra made me feel better and told me the rest of the family would love me.

Luckily for me, he was right.

More to come in the next part.

From Australia to Nepal (part 2)

The day I arrived in Nepal was a bit of a blur.

We touched down at Kathmandu airport and Rabindra and I went into separate immigration lines. Surprisingly, my line, the tourist line, was so much longer than the Nepali line.

My first funny memory was going through a body security scanner.

Everything seemed normal until I realised that this one and only run-down security scanner at the country’s only international airport was actually turned OFF.

After my little laugh I headed over to the luggage carousel with Rabindra behind me. Rabindra was distracted talking with his friend who had come over on the same flight as us and as I started to get my suitcase from the carousel, a man pushed in and helped me lift it onto a trolley.

Me being completely naive I didn’t think anything of it (I thought he was an airport security man helping out a lost-looking foreigner) and so when I nodded that Rabindra’s suitcase was next, he pulled it up over his shoulder and onto the same trolley.

Rabindra interrupted and essentially told him to get away (this guy wanted some rupees for pushing our trolley and taking our bags to the car. I felt sorry for the poor guy).

The last stage before exiting out of the airport is a luggage scanner.

It was absolute mayhem as hundreds queued whilst two guards threw on every suitcase they could on this little machine.

As I approached, the guard passed me and Rabindra around the machine with our suitcases. After all the security presence at the airport we didn’t have a body check or bag check.

As we headed out amongst the crowd, Rabindra searching for his brother and cousin, we found them waving us down.

I can’t even remember what I did when I met them because I was so nervous. I think I just said “Namaste” and then followed them to the car.

It was a balmy day, not cold, not hot.

Now, if you have ever been to Nepal and other countries abroad, you will notice that cars in Nepal are seriously like the smallest cars ever.

There only seems to be two kind of cars- these miniature hatchbacks or a van/jeep- nothing in between.

I don’t know how we fit but we managed to squeeze in with one suitcase in the boot and one over our laps.

As we drove to Thamel, I was literally speechless. I stared out the window in awe at what I was seeing.

This was the first time it really hit me. I was finally in Nepal. The day was finally here. After years of waiting, it was finally happening.

Then another feeling hit me. Shock.

It was chaotic, dusty, busy, noisy, unfamiliar.

What I perceived as dire ruins of buildings that had been blown up from a war were actually normal buildings.

And what perceived as severe poverty around me was actually not.

It felt like millions of people were milling around on the side of the roads. Whenever we stopped in a traffic jam, pedestrians would brush past our car, their clothes touching my arm, because there was not enough space on the side of the road for them to walk on.

It was seriously like nothing I had ever seen before.

Nepal was everything like, and nothing like, what I expected it to be.

I’d been warned before I left about culture shock, poverty, pollution, crowds and chaos in Nepal.

And so, here I was, actually experiencing it. I was having culture shock.

I was left with a general sense of unease.

I have no idea what the conversation was about in the car because I was still in shock.

This sense of unease and feeling lost lasted several hours. I wouldn’t say I was scared; I was simply so shocked that I couldn’t speak.

That night we enjoyed a great Nepali dinner of sekuwa and chicken sandeko.

My restful, anxious behaviour was passing.

Then, the next day I was to encouter my first bandh and an unpleasant family meeting that would leave me going to bed crying, so little did I know but I was about to be feeling anxious and nervous all over again.

My first day in Nepal. Walking around Thamel.