Fears, frustrations and what ifs

As I write this I’m trying to hold back the tears that want to come streaming down my face.

I’m trying to control the overpowering feeling I have to just cry and cry and cry.

I feel sick in the stomach, but that isn’t new.

You know that butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling you get before a big job interview or on the night before your wedding? Well, I feel it most days.

It’s triggered by some small things- differences in opinions, over-thinking and regret leading to my anxiety taking over.

I normally sound upbeat on my blog, and I am naturally a very happy person, but I have so many dark days where hope feels lost.

For those of you who might not know, we have been waiting for news on Rabindra’s visa and there is a chance he will have to leave Australia this year.

I’m in utter pain thinking about it. Being apart is harrowing. Yes- people survive long distance relationships and the saying about love making the heart grow stronger is ringing in my mind.

But it’s bigger than that.

I feel I would have some type of serious breakdown if this happened. I’m not saying our relationship won’t survive the long distance but it will be so difficult for my wellbeing. After all we’ve been through, I couldn’t imagine being apart for possibly a year or longer as I can only stay in Nepal for so long.

Since the time our relationship started we have barely spent any time apart so I guess that’s why it seems so overwhelming.

Australia is the place I love and the place we want to settle. We’ve set up a life here and it’s amazing.

We’re good citizens and we just want the right to be together and do what other couples get to do.

But what if we’re not allowed to stay here together?

My heart aches and my body shivers just thinking about this question.

The only thing that gets me through my day of worrying and anxiety is going home, opening the door and simply being with Rabindra.

When I wake up in the morning, I look at Rabindra’s little baby face as he sleeps so peacefully and feel sick that we could be separated.

Then when you’re feeling down, all sorts of feelings enter your mind about what could go wrong and the small insecurities burst into larger-than-life doubts.

Then I feel guilty because those doubts are hurting Rabindra too.

He reassures me and tells me not to stress because it does no good. I know he’s right but I can’t help it.

I know this whole experience will make us stronger and it puts into perspective what really matters.

Things like having a shitty day at work, being poor, having a broken down car, even letting go of my dream to buy a house and travel the world seem like petty issues after being through what I’ve been through.

That’s what love can do. It pulls the heart in ways the mind can’t even comprehend.

I feel like we’ve put our lives on hold over the past year and I can’t go into detail about this here.

I need a sign that everything’s going be OK. But then again there’s no guarantees in this thing called life.

So the next time you kiss your partner, make it a long, passionate one.

Don’t fight about small things and get angry about housework or cooking.

Don’t complain that he’s watching some stupid game of cricket on TV and won’t talk to you.

Appreciate like mad that you’re able to be together and able to plan your future with some level of certainty in mind.

And for those who don’t have that certainty yet, for whatever reason, know that you are not the only one and your fears and worries are like mine.

Even after a long and stressful day at work, I’d want nothing more than to come home, see a messy house and have to clean and cook dinner for my love.

I’m sure that once we get through all this we’ll celebrate with our friends by having some wine, dal bhat and talking till late about our freedom.

We’ll buy a plasma TV and a dryer.

We’ll hug each other till we fall asleep.

And we’ll wake up in the morning with joy, not that sick feeling.

These small things, these little pleasures, are what matters.

But in this moment, right now, these are only temporary and it’s filling my heart with unimaginable anguish that I just can’t get rid of.

This entry was posted in Cross-cultural, Culture, Immigration, Intercultural, Intercultural Relationship, Love, Nepal. Bookmark the permalink.

28 Responses to Fears, frustrations and what ifs

  1. Diane says:

    A great insight into what you are going through. Takes a lot of guts to write down your feelings and emotions.

  2. KC says:

    I’m sorry you are going through such a rough time. Hang in there. Long distance is rough and it’s sad and it’s frustrating in so many ways…but I have no doubt you two could and would survive it and probably come out even stronger. That being said, I fully wish you don’t have to be separated.

    p.s I can relate to your comment about watching his baby face as he sleeps and not wanting to be separated…I feel this way everytime Simba visits me. But separation does make the heart grow fonder (as long as it’s not dragged out forever) and you would get through it with the help of technology to bridge the distance. But I’ll be crossing my fingers that he can stay right there in Australia with you. Glad you wrote this though…puts things into perspective. Even though Simba and I are long distance at least we are long distance in the states…if he had to go back to Nepal I don’t know how I could handle that. I hope things get better

  3. You exactly wrote down, what I have felt a few years ago. It was a diffult period. But I guess that the fear of being apart, did strenghten on relationship seriously. Fear can make one see the value of their partner and the love for him/her so much more clearly. And at the end, for us everything worked out for the best… and so, it will also be in your case 🙂

    But, still try to relax a bit, don’t put your lives fully on hold. Think about something you always want to do together. Maybe something little but still important for you. If you have postponed it before, then do it now. It will get your mind off things.

  4. Kay says:

    “These small things, these little pleasures, are what matters.”

    Very very true. I really hope his Visa works out!

  5. Sara says:

    The visa process is one really, REALLY crappy part of the intercultural relationship I’ve never had to deal with. I’m sending you good thoughts…imagine all of us bloggers crowded into your living room, several of us hands on your back, shoulder, arm, knees…some with tears in our eyes, all looking at you with caring in our faces.

    It wouldn’t change the visa process, but it might change how alone you feel in it…so take a deep breath, and visualize all the girl power you have on your side.

  6. Shreeman says:

    Hang in there. Don’t let the minor bumps get you down! You’re gonna make it.

  7. luckyfatima says:

    Immigrations stuff is really, really hard. Been there and done that. Hang in there, God willing everything will work out for the best!

  8. Taswin says:

    Good luck with the visa 🙂 Isn’t it a bit surreal how policy at that high level really affects every day life, relationships etc…especially when it comes to visa/migration policy. But you obviously love each other very much. You’ll stick it out!!

  9. Love in London says:

    I know how nerve wracking the visa process can be as I had to apply for mine to be with my guy in the UK. Next year I have to renew and I’m already getting nervous just thinking about all of the paperwork. I hope for now that you can enjoy your time together and that you hear something soon! xx

  10. Made to Mix says:

    This is a very big topic in our part of the world. Many of our friends have gotten married for “green cards and visas.” They were faced with the decision to “get married or face never seeing each other again.” Others refuse to allow their decisions to be made by their status- endure months/years of time apart but eventually are able to say that the only reason they stayed together (and eventually got married) was for love. I hope that whatever comes your way is ultimately what brings you to your “happily ever after.”

    • Yeh it’s a big call. Lots of people say to us “just get married”, and we dont believe doing it for a visa is the right thing. we want to wait a bit longer and to save up money to have the wedding we always wanted

  11. ~rangi-changi~ says:

    I wish I could say something to make you feel better – I am a veteran of the US immi process but don’t know anything about what you are going through except I can relate to the fear – G only has his 2 year conditional green card which expires in July – we need to apply for the permanent (10yr) GC and in essence have to prove the legitimacy of our marriage all over again after going through 2 years separation waiting for his visa – I could only visit in Nepal once/year and the separations at TIA were pure agony knowing we would be separated for 11 months – I remember one time kissing G goodbye, composing myself once inside the terminal and the guard seeing how hard it was for us, letting G inside for one final goodbye after which I lost it again! If G doesn’t get the perm GC(the chance is slim but there is a chance) then we talk about moving to KTM but I don’t know how feasible that is… all I want to say is we will pray to Ganesh and Tara for you, FWIW – they have helped us in our journey.

  12. White Bhabi says:

    I just ran across your blog and I’m sorry I don’t already understand more of what you have been through. I just wanted to add my 2 cents for what it’s worth. I recently gave up my life to move to India due to visa issues. I too could not take the separation any longer. I’ve been living here three months and during my quest to figure out how to make all this work out I did find some ways to continue working and having a life so I didn’t go crazy here. I’m not sure why you can’t live in Nepal as you mentioned but if it happens to be because of work then rest assured there are online jobs for writers, editors and such. That’s what I’m doing. The companies I work for are mostly based in American and require U.S. citizenship but I’m certain there are some based in Australia. If you want I can give you some links and ideas for where I find my companies because not all of them have the same citizenship requirements.

    I’ve felt your pain and agony before, though not to the same level. I sincerely hope you are able to find some kind of resolution that will work for your family, whether temporary or permanent.

    • Hey whitebhabhi , thanks for your thoughts. Some days I feel so empowered and strong to cope with all this and other days I just want to fall in a big mess because it’s just so hard. I am trying to stay strong, not for myself but for Rabindra. i’d like to keep in touch with you in case i do need to find work in nepal at some point. i’ll check out your blog soon as well, just been so busy

  13. americanepali says:

    Good luck with these immigration issues. They can be incredibly frustrating, and we will keep our fingers crossed for you!

  14. Ally says:

    I’m sorry your going through this our immigration dept sucks, since being with my Nepali partner I’ve had some horrendous experiences, even having to jump through hoops just to get a family member a tourist visa. You may already know about this but it’s very worthwhile getting your local member involved, especially if you feel your experiencing unecessary delays, you’d be surprised how fast things can move after one phone call from a parliamentarians office. Good luck

  15. Amanda says:

    I am sitting at work right now and i was trying to secretly read this. Beore I could get to the end I started crying because I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same situation but we live in Nepal. We have applied for our visas but we don’t know what will happen.

    It is so frustrating and it feels so unfair.

    I am sure it will work out for both of us.

  16. Pingback: The long story- from Australia to Nepal (part 1) | white girl in a sari

  17. Pingback: 6 years – a time for deep reflection | white girl in a sari

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