Whilst I have not yet travelled to South Asia, I know a fair bit about the, errr, ‘touchy’ topic of public affection.
We’re told in our travel advisories and tourist books that in many countries, including Nepal and India, showing affection to our partners in public (even husbands and wives) is rarely seen and should be avoided.
On the other hand, some Nepali friends (only a few, certainly not the majority), say that it’s becoming more common in Nepal’s city areas and whilst living abroad, most Nepalis/Indians adopt to the Western ways.
Recently a reader of my blog emailed me and told me how me how her Nepali husband holds her hand in public whilst in Nepal around his friends (and she is white).
Rabindra was surprised when I told him this and when I asked him whether he would do this in Nepal with me, he said no.
I was a little upset because this topic is something that makes me feel uncomfortable in some regards.
See, when we first met, Rabindra would vehemently avoid holding my hand or kissing me in public and this would annoy me. Like most girls, I thought “what’s wrong with me?”
He’s come around a lot more nowadays and will sometimes hold my hand, touch my butt, or let me sit on his lap when we are in public but I know he’s still a bit uncomfortable about these displays of affection, especially kissing in public.
He says that although he lives in Australia now, he still holds onto his culture quite strongly and says it’s not easy to change your thinking and your habits after living a certain way in his home country for 26 years.
Obviously around his parents and family I would be extremely careful to not do any type of touching that could be deemed inappropriate, but, I feel that if we were visiting other parts of Nepal without people we know, it would be ok to put arms around his shoulders and waist while walking around.
Am I totally off the mark here or is that a realistic expectation?
I’m not going to pressure him and tell him he needs to do it more, but I think it’s just another one of those cultural (and in this case, his personality) issues.
I also feel that with having a language barrier between me and his parents, one way to show I really care about him is to be very caring and hands on. For example touching him on the cheek or neck, rub his shoulders etc, and wondered if this type of affection would be considered OK or not? ADVICE PLEASE!! HAHA
Anyway I wanted to know what you and your other half thinks about public displays of affection?
When you are in South Asia, what types of affection are OK and what’s not OK?
What about around family members?
What about when you are in America, UK, Europe or elsewhere? Does he/she adapt to the Western way of public affection?
Is he/she uncomfortable about it? How does this make you feel?
The Intercultural Girl 
it’s bonkers, but i find in india, i automatically gender segregate and walk with my female cousins, aunties, keep my eyes averted when walking (and even at that i STILL get told my manners are too forward because i look shopkeepers in the eye). no hugs in public even with family members (bear hugs are not really…anything my indian family does). Travelling with the Boy – his job is more of a protectorate – i walk just a teeny bit behind him, he parts the crowds first if we are together. He takes my arm or gives people the stare down if needed, as opposed to any romantic sauntering hand in hand.
things i totally wouldnt stand for here…
haha TK. I didn’t realise looking a shopkeeper in the eye could be seen negatively!
A was really slow to warm up to holding hands, etc…and now I swear I feel like a terrible person if I want to go on a walk without holding his hand! I’m actually a little scarred of too much physical affection, because I kissed him goodbye once when he was in my building, and my advisor got off the elevator just as we were kissing…so we don’t always kiss on campus, but we often do (always just a light peck hello/goodbye). If we were undergrads, it would be different, but we’re grad students and both TAs/GAs who have had professional relationships with a LOT of people on campus.
When we were “just dating,” there was almost no physical affection at all around any of his family members…including his American sister. Or in the local Stop-n-Shop, because “we know a lot of people around here” (he was justified, as we saw a close auntie during that trip). Now, we don’t really kiss in front of his family, but we do hold hands, rest a head on the other’s shoulder, place a hand on the other person’s back, etc. Not constantly, and not “snuggly,” but we do it and no one’s world has come crashing down. We do nap together openly, but we only shower together (something we love but can’t do well in our current apartment) if no one else is home (aka secretly; for reference, when I visit my brother and sister-in-law, they’re open with me about the fact that they shower together).
We haven’t been to India yet. I’m guessing that we’ll look at what similar-aged couples in the family do and err on the side of caution. When travelling away from family, we will probably hold hands and rest heads on shoulders, but I doubt we’ll do much more…and we’ll both probly be hyper-vigilant to disapproval. Being in India and not having the physical affection might be really hard for me, specifically because I expect it to be a stressful time (even though we fully expect all the relatives there to be warm and open) and will need all the support I can get…but I also understand that families differ in what’s ok (although not holding hands in front of his American sister kind of annoyed me).
Thanks for your comment. I didn’t realise you hadn’t been to India yet. wow. lots more interesting times to come
Yup. His parents and about half of his aunts/uncles are in the US, and our schedules don’t lend themselves to traveling to India (especially because I don’t do well in heat), so it hasn’t been a priority yet…plus, every spare moment for a year was spent going to NJ for wedding stuff…but his only remaining grandparent is in her 90s, and he hasn’t seen her in several years now and would really like me to meet her, so we’re planning to go this December, even though we can only stay about 7-10 days.
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Hi Casey,
I guess R would know his family best and it’s probably a good idea to discuss with him what would be appropriate around his parents. I know around my parents (who have been in Australia 25 years), I never show any physical affection, touch or anything with L (nor does my brother with his girlfriend). They would just find it extremely uncomfortable (same goes for my family in Nepal). I think a lot of the uncomfortableness comes from being confronted with the sexuality of your child, even if it’s in an extremely mild form like holding hands (sexuality and sexual expression, you’ll discover, is pretty repressed in Nepal…).
Maybe one way of communicating your love for R to his parents would be to learn Nepali – you don’t have to be perfect, most Nepali people will really appreciate the effort you’ve put in. Another one is to dress modestly, stylishly and NOT like a hippy. Then they know you’re not just another western backpack who doesn’t bathe, wears cheesecloth, and spends most of her time in Nepal completely stoned (In my experience, Nepali people are quite fashion conscious, and the typical western backpacker look is considered very dirty and even offensive, in the sense that those same middle class white kids would have way more respect for their home countries and never dress like that at home).
I’ve seen young couples in India and Nepal holding hands and showing physical affection in some spaces – e.g. nightclubs, posh bars, where other like-minded (young, liberal, uppper middle class youth) couples hand out. Or maybe even in more touristy and upper class parts of Kathmandu. But certainly not in most public spaces (like on a tempo or something) – you would get A LOT of stares. Particularly being a woman, you are already by default a sexualised object…having any kind of phsyical touch (which usually has sexual innuendo in this cultural context) would just heighten this. On the other hand, when I’ve travelled in trains in India in second class, couples always sleep on each other (it’s more comfortable and probably cleaner than the train seat!! and if you don’t sleep on your partner you’re probably sleeping on a stranger it’s so crowded…) – same goes for long distance buses in Nepal. It’s very common in both countries to see guys walking with their arms around each other and holding hands…but for guys-and-girls, I guess I’m trying to say it’s very context-dependant.
Good luck!
You give great advice Taswin! I like your tips a lot and thanks for the reminder about not wearing hippy clothes. How your parents react is probably similar to the way 99% of nepalis would react so i appreciate this alot
Just to throw some confusion into the mix (cos my first comment wasn’t confused enough…lol), I have seen older couples in pilgrimage places/rural areas travelling and holding hands occasionally, though again it’s more a protecting/physical support thing (like, when walking up a steep mountain). As a young, unmarried couple, it’s probably better to play it safe.
My parents, as the years clock up in their marriage, now show some physical affection inside the house, e.g. an arm draped around the other’s shoulder while sitting on the sofa. Relationships evolve with age in Nepal. As a newly married couple they would never had done such a thing in front of their own parents, but as they become parents of adult children themselves certain types of physical affection become more acceptable (though in the case of my parents, it’s never been in public).
I remember reading in undergrad South Asian anthropology that in north India and Nepal, sexual expression in young couples – and more specifically, in young women – is commonly seen as threatening to the (patriarchal) extended family ideal. For the extended family to stay together, the sexual/loving bond between a couple must be subjugated to the bond holding the husband’s family together. Otherwise the young couple might become too infatuated with each other and the evil new buwari (DIL/bride) will convince the family’s favourite son to move out…shock horror! Showing affection (especially from a wife) probably becomes less threatening once a woman becomes a part of her husband’s family over time (in strict traditional terms, proving herself a part of the family = bearing them a son, thereby enabling them to continue the family line).
This is all obviously “in theory” (not many middle class urban in-laws would actually expect their DILs to bear them a son to prove themselves a part of the family!), but it might give a bit of background to the type of cultural logic at play when it comes to showing affection, both in front of parents and in public.
hmm. once again, I think this type of thing depends on where you are in India or Nepal (as in metropolitan areas or rural villages) and how liberal (as in modern/educated, what have you) your family is. My fiance puts his arms around me when we’re outside all the time–we even kiss in public (a peck on the lips that is!), we live in Delhi but travel to Mumbai and Hyderabad regularly. These are all super modern metropolitan areas of India. Now if we were situated in some tiny little village in Gujurat with a literacy rate of 12% then we would definitely keep the PDA to 0%.
Yeh you are right Kay. It really depends on whether you are in village or city areas but according to most people on here, it should even be avoided in city areas in Nepal in particular
It depends how ‘modern’ his family is but to not upset the older generation in his family I would not touch him on the cheek or neck or rub his shoulders infront of them. I have been in Nepal previous year (however it was totally different because not whole the family knew that we were in a relationship) but even when we went to totally different parts of the country, we did not show that much affection in public. Nepali people already stare enough and if we would be holding hands or let’s say kissing …
Even in Europe, showing affection is a topic. While I like to hold hands or even share a little kiss in public, my husband always feel shy to do it. And if we are walking hand in hand, most of the times the moment he sees a Nepali person he will let my hand go…
Hey, I resonated alot with your comments. You have pointed out important things I needed to know. Thanks heaps 🙂
I’m from the U.S. born and raised on the left coast and oddly enough have never been very affectionate in public. Just not comfortable with it. My husband born and raised in a conservative Christian family in south india actually had your same concerns and feelings when I wouldn’t hold his hand in public. I think you should take your cues from your boyfriend and his family and try not to feel disheartened by his lack of PDA.
Thanks Ashli for your comments
Hubby and I are totally ok with open PDA… but mind you, we’re not like the high school kids making out in the front row of the theater. Quick smack on the tush while window shopping in Target (usually from me, because he’s said something “fresh” lol), holding hands while strolling the boardwalk, quick kiss at the bar while having a beer. (We live near Boston, MA, USA)
We’re very playful PDAers… and he’s the one that suggests we kiss at Walmart when our radar has picked up on the evil glare of a passing Auntie. He gets a kick out of their response…which is either a) they blush and turn away quickly or b) they get wide-eyed and could probably catch flies in their mouth. He also speaks to me in Hindi when we’re amongst the clothing racks with another desi couple… and he giggles when they look at me when I say “haan ji or acha”. Huh? She couldn’t possible speak Hindi! (lol..you’re right, I don’t…but it make my Hubby laugh so I pretend I do!) Yes he’s using me as his pawn against Aunties…but I’m okay with it :0)
Anyway…lol..PDA.
In India we didn’t really get a chance to stroll about in public so I can’t say what level our PDA would have been on. We playfully danced (think a tad flirtatious, but on a PG level?) together at the sangeet, in front of many guests. We also did give little signs of affection in front of MIL and FIL…. and more blatant ones in front of our younger BIL and SIL. Honestly, I think it made MIL happy to see our love for each other ;0)
I did censor a photo album that I made for his Nani. I used one of the online sites and added pics and comments. I didn’t include any kissy ones in Nani’s copy (except for our US wedding smooch). No one told me not to put them in, I just kinda did it on my own. Older and maybe more conservative, I didn’t want to upset anyone (or embarrass).
haha “quick smack on the tush”. gotta love it
P feels the same way about public affection. Over eight years he has slowly warmed up a bit (sometimes if we are in a shopping mall and no one we know is around, we might hold hands), but I wasn’t necessarily very affectionate in public either, even before P, so maybe I’m a bit biased.
He is nervous about “the kiss” at our wedding. I think he is absolutely mortified at the idea of kissing me while standing in front of his parents, and relatives, even our friends. None of them have seen us do this before, and I think he feels its really inappropriate, although my family will obviously expect it, and he’ll have to do it as part of the “American Culture” part of t he ceremony.
If I were you, I wouldn’t be very touchy with R when you are in Nepal. Especially if his family doesn’t live in Kathmandu. I don’t think they will interpret your actions as, “how nice, she is showing us how much she cares about him,” I think instead it will make them feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, and they will probably look away. It’s more common to show affection through doing tasks– couples show each other and their families that they care about each other by helping each other, cooking nice food, supporting each other, going the extra mile for each other. Small acts of kindness will probably go a lot farther with the language barrier then touching.
I grew up in a family where my parents hated each other and divorced before I finished school. I wasn’t used to seeing a lot of affection between them. I’ll never forget the affection I felt and saw between P’s parents the first time I met them in Nepal– even though they weren’t touching at all. It was in the kind way they spoke to each other, the gentle way they interacted, how P’s dad would sit with his mom in the kitchen to keep her company, and help her organize things. I saw this is a good example.
Good comments. It’s pretty clear by most of the posts on here that even innocent, indirect touching like on the shoulder, face etc can be interpreted so differently in Nepal. I’ll be very careful about what I do around his parents in particular
India is not southeast Asia. Please correct this in your post!
Hey raj, i havent called India south-east Asia. I have a habit of referring to south-east Asia because of my Nepalese bias but I do want people to comment from south Asia as well 🙂
Nepal is part of South Asia as well…
ummmmmmmmmmm….I think Family Blogger’s post is SPAM. I guess you’ll need to get one of the spaminator thingies where you add up wiggly numbers to prove you’re a human.
Well, as a ‘mixed couple’ you MIGHT get away with holding hands, a brief peck, or an arm around the shoulder in places where there are lots of Westerners & more liberal attitudes like Mumbai & Goa without attracting too many stares.
In Nepal I wouldn’t really attempt any of these, especially with a Nepali partner. Most Nepalis would be to embarrassed to stare or say anything to your face but poor Rabindra would never live it down or possibly hear the end of it. To show affection in front of his relatives I would advise looking upon him adoringly & batting your lovely lashes ever so fetchingly.
My husband does not do public affection at all, no way, never. Well he has blown me a kiss at the airport. It simply is not done my dear.
If it’s any consolation in India the motto is ‘No Kissing just Pissing’. That’s right… you can whip out your willy wherever & pee BUT Heaven forbid you kiss your significant other!
haha great comment. only in india right…
“poor Rabindra would never live it down”… this is something I should remember. I need to not be so selfish. thanks heaps for your comments
Exactly which area is this in India where you can whip out you *ahem* membrane? I have never encountered such a place….
My nepali partner is very affectionate & is constantly touching me, in fact it drives me batty but very rarely in public and never around other nepalis. Weve never kissed in public not even at an airport no matter how long weve been separated. Here in Australia and after almost two decades of being together we do hug/hold hands ect around the younger members of his family but they have all lived with us at various times, but never anyone elder to us and its the same in Nepal.
Im very used to this and it doesn’t bother me at all but I can remember when we were first together there were times when I felt very hurt, it can be all so confusing especially that first trip to Nepal, I can vividly remember being on the phone crying to my mother because I was it such a difficult adjustment and it felt like he was an entirely different boyfriend. Once you get to nepal you’ll watch how everyone interacts and it will all make sense. I can imagine it wouldnt be a big deal to walk around kathmandu holding hands these days, but Im not sure we would.
As far as being affectionate towards R as a way of showing how much you love him, I think thats unwise. Showing the family that your interested and willing to learn about nepali culture and social norms will go a lot further.
ally
great advice Ally. I sent you an email a while ago, did you get it.
Would be interested in finding out what you went through in Nepal. I think it would help me alot. hope to hear from you soon
Oh sorry I didnt realise, this is my work email which I check more frequently, I’d love to chat.
Not in Nepal, please avoid that at least in public. Most people with ignore you but it will set a bad precedent among Nepalese that western culture is very anti-Nepalese or anti-Asian. When you already know that it will not be received in a positive way, I suggest that you should try you best to avoid it. You could show as much love and affection to your partner at home or in private places or even in parks. But not in public places, Nepalese people def dont welcome that even though there is a growing trend of people ignoring it. Since, alot of people in South Asia already have a stereotype of Caucasian/European people, this will just add to the negative understanding. Plus, when your trying to get married to a Nepalese man, I think its best to respect the culture that majority of Nepalese hold and it shows that u care about him, his family/cultural values. this is also look good to his parents and relatives.
May be you dont care about all these, i dont know but if you do then you def should avoid anything that nepalese deem immoral.
take care
hari om
I do care about these things and you have put it into perspective for me. Great advice prabesh.
Hmm…for the most part, I would say that the only PDA allowed is hand-holding for the purposes of not being lost in the crowd or hit by a bus/rickshaw. Certainly no kissing, hugging, or cuddling allowed. After our wedding, a friend of Mr. 4B’s whom I have know for years came up and gave me a hug. The aunties all gasped and then mumbled something about Americans.
Yep, I’ve been warned that even hugs are inappropriate. Thanks BB
Another thing you’ll want to avoid is sharing food or beverage. When S’s parents came to visit they were appalled when we drank out of the same water bottle on the drive home. We didn’t even think about it….it was second nature to us! But it was a BIG deal to them.
When my husband and I first met it was hard for me to understand why he would not hold my hand in public. Being an Outspoken American Woman I made the mistake of grabbing his arse in public and he jumped….did not know that was inappropriate. But now, several years later, he will hold my hand and even give me a hug and kiss in public, but I am still not allowed to grab arse…hahahaha. He has adapted very well to this culture, however he has explained to me that when we go to Nepal and are around his family, especially his sister, there is to be no PDA. There are alot of rules that I am trying to learn for the trip. He is from a very rural area and I must follow tradition and culture. I actually had the pleasure of meeting his uncle who came to Texas to visit him, had a hard time knowing weather to bow and touch feet or shake hands, did not impress uncle too well. When we went shopping I did walk a few steps behind and let them lead the way. I was not even allowed to push the shopping cart. I am a little scared, as you are about the visit, but I am glad I found your blog and am enjoying reading all the post. This is helping me to prepare for out trip, hopefully, next year.
By the way….has R said anything about womens feet touching their husbands????
My indian bf always hold my hand in public. He has done from day 1 no matter where we travel in India. And I would not have it any other way 🙂 But for sure there is also a please hold on to me so that I do not get lost in the crowd meaning in it for me along with the nice ” yes we are a couple, so just deal with it”. It is especially fun if I am out with my bf and one of our white friends, because you can see that people find it very strange that I hold hands with the brown guy and not the white one.
On th other hand I would never kiss him in public, but I do hug my good friends if I meet them on the street or in a mall.
Ok i am a little late to the discussion but as part of a Nepali/Aussie couple living in Kathmandu I just wanted to say we are against the no displays of affection. We hold hands when we walk, touch and sometimes even have a peck on the cheek. Even in front of his family.
We have a bit of a language barrier, not a huge barrier but touching is the way we show we care. No one has ever said to us we shouldn’t. Maybe outside Kathmandu it is more an issue?
I’m not experienced in the PDA situations in India and Nepal. But americanepali hit on an important point. The way to show affection in front of others is through service.
When I was just dating my now-husband (from Taiwan, so a different culture), I was on my best behaviour at his family’s home. I knew that people from his parents’ generation and country would find PDA from their kids and their dates uncomfortable.
Through G’s prompting I learned that by doing things, for him and his parents, it would show that I care. In the beginning, I had a few things I knew how to help with, such as filling the rice bowls, making the tea, setting the table and washing up. Learning the language also helps, no matter how slowly you do it. 🙂 These gestures overcame the language barrier too and over time, endeared me to their family.
Good points Abby. Thanks for the tips 🙂
I’m currently living in India, though not Nepal. Occasionally I hold my husbands hand, sometimes his bicep while out walking. He doesn’t always like it but he respects I’m an American, not used to the insane crowds here and that I have no interest in getting lost because I’m not as fast as him.
I’ve been known to kiss him in public elevators while no one could see. I tickle him in front of his family. No kissing or intimate touching where anyone could ever see. I will sneak in some affection from time to time when I’m sure no one will see because I like to be rotten lol. We also cut up playfully (hands free) in front of his family and they laugh and see it as us getting along well. They also pick on him about it because it’s usually me getting him good lol.
In general, I never see his mom/dad or aunt/uncle engaged in any form of affectionate display. They don’t even sit to close to each other when together. The closest thing I see is them picking at each other verbally while driving in the car. I rarely see young couples with their arm around each other or holding hands in public. Couples almost always sit facing each other at tables in restaurants as well. Once (in 4 months) I saw a girl clinging romantically to her partner while he drove the bike and she sat side saddle on the back.
That’s reality. Now on TV here you see women groping men in commercials and lots of PDA in videos. Usually parents turn off the TV and don’t let their kids (even the grown ones) watch lol. I would recommend you talk to him about this, ask him if there is somewhere this would be acceptable to him, etc. After all if you come here you will likely have to ride behind him on the bike and it’s no easy feat keeping your hands to yourself, even if you only need his shoulders to climb on on his waist to keep from falling off. Sooner or later, some PDA has to happen.
A tip, sneak in the hugs and kisses when no one is looking. It makes you both happy. There are corners you can ‘hide’ in all around. You’ll feel better and he will relax knowing you respect his need to not display the affection. If you think he won’t be totally pissed off and has a good sense of humor, there is no reason not to sneak in a little PDA when you are ABSOLUTELY certain that no one is looking. You have to judge that by what you know of your man though. I do this and my man laughs about it and picks on me all the time but he loves it. Not all men would feel the same.
We share food all the time, even in public. Most of the time we order only one plate/order. This is going to depend on where you are and who’s looking as well. It may not be acceptable in all communities. He’s fed me and I’ve fed him in front of people, though that is extremely rare.
Watch and learn how he acts/reacts with female family members. The things they do are acceptable for you to do and will help you understand what you can get away with.
I guess others gave you enough feedback on the issue, I just wanted to add an interesting case from the opposite side.
We’re both not very ‘touchy’ in public, and in fact, it’s us who often feel uncomfortable e.g. standing at the bus stop next to a couple that is let’s say… too involved in a tongue action. We feel like telling them “Get a room, people!” And then joke around that probably they don’t have/ can’t afford a room so they use the ‘available resources’.
The bottom line is, once you have “this room” and plenty of opportunities to be intimate without the audience, the degree of showing your feelings in open spaces is not an issue anymore.
On a side note, conservative environments are always fixated over sex, so that simple holding hands makes people go wild with their imagination. I guess there is no point to go against this mentality once you enter such society – why to give a free show and one more reason for blabber? You can eitherways show affection in private. No community has ever managed to stop people from doing this 😉
Interesting. I guess it’s his ‘living in Nepal for 26 years’ that has influenced a lot on how he behaves with you in public. I do hold on to my culture roots and know what is too much. Nonetheless I would hold my hand, hug etc with my partner in public – ie. when we visit places or just go out in general however I would tone it down completely in front of parents and relatives/family friends(older gen). Even in Nepal it’s common to see boys and girls holding hands, being in love or just touchy feely in general. Maybe not in the road but in restaurants, bars, etc.
Thanks for commenting on my blog- your first time. I also enjoyed reading your blog!
so if my nepalese boyfriend came to australia would he respect my wishes and hold my hand or publicyly show affection in public, because that is my culture way of life – if i had to resepect the opposite in Nepal? meaning i cant touch, kiss place a hand on him or show any public or any affection wot so ever??? Pls im trying to understand this
i find the whole no affection in public very hard to handle at times.. maybe becuase i dont understand this due to the fact im australian and he is nepalese… ive struggled with this for over a year… at times i feel im the one who isnt wanted and i feel like an out cast unloved unwanted and ive never experienced this… im trying but its beeen a struggle
I’m always very unconfortable with these cultural restrictions that you are expected to apply over your automatic behavior, since they require so much of your attention that you end up feeling even more weird with the situation.
But in the end, yes, it’s important to follow these codes. This exemple might give some of you an idea of how innapropriate it would be to stare at a man in these countries if you are a woman:
I’m a Brazilian guy, and every time I travel to “colder” countries like Germany, Scandinavia in general, or even the US in a lower degree, without thinking I follow the brazilian protocol giving a fast hug with a kiss on the face of any woman I meet for the first time, and suddenly I think: “Dammit! I did it again!”, just to notice her freezing reaction as if I did the most erotic thing!