The long story- from Australia to Nepal (part 1)

For those people who have been following my blog from the start, they will know that Rabindra and I have been through a lot in the past few years.

My experience of beginning an intercultural relationship with a Nepali man has seen many highs and lows.

The highs have been falling in love, finding out about Rabindra’s country and culture, seeing our relationship blossom and getting engaged.

The lows have been ongoing visa problems, cultural differences, times of anxiety and depression, adjustment to life, and relationship differences.

There were many times Rabindra and I were in complete disagreement because of cultural reasons. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell his family about me, I didn’t understand why he was so shy in regards to public affection. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t communicate the way I wanted him to.

In March last year I wrote about “Fears, Frustrations and What ifs”,  and in May I wrote “Waiting and questions about life” then just a few months ago I wrote this blog “It’s time” .

Fast forward to May 2012, and my life has really changed.

One morning in January 2012, I checked my email and we had an email from our migration agent saying Rabindra had been granted his Australian visa.

I burst out crying. It was the most emotional day.

Our visa debacle began in January 2010 and we have spent the last two years dealing with so much stress and pain.

Dealing with immigration matters has been by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. For more than 18 months I was gripped by fear, knowing that Rabindra and I could be separated simply because he is a Nepali and I am an Australian.

January was also the time that Rabindra took me to his home country, Nepal.

It was not just travelling the country that I had fallen in love with from the stories I’d been told by Rabindra and friends, but it was THE TRIP that would really determine a big part in our future.

Meeting Rabindra’s parents and getting their approval of our relationship was the second most anxious thing I’ve done in my life (aside from immigration).

You see for a very long time Rabindra did not tell his family about me and it hurt me in ways no one else could know.

I know why he did it. He was scared. He was worried. He was the first person in his entire extended family to have a love relationship (the rest of his family have had arranged marriages) let alone it being with a white Australian woman, so the pressure was on.

He had to be sure, before telling his family, that we were both really serious about our relationship. It’s not like Australia where parents meet lots of their children’s boyfriends/girlfriends over the years. This was such a huge thing to his family.

Then one day, he finally told them over the phone. Rabindra was so nervous and I literally think he had been holding this anxiousness in for 12 months or more.

He told his father he was in a relationship with an Australian woman, yes the “friend” you’ve seen lots of photos of.

His father insisted that if Rabindra was happy, then the family was happy. He convinced them that we did not get married secretly in Australia and that we wanted to wait until we had visited Nepal together and then discuss it with his parents over there.

So this is the background leading to our Nepal trip.

I’ll continue with part 2 next and what it’s really like meeting the parents and experiencing Nepali village life from an Australian woman’s perspective and as the soon-to-be wife of a Nepali man .

The Nepali way of doing things

Since coming back to Australia after my wonderful trip to Nepal, I’ve noticed I’m doing a few things the NEPALI way.

I have not consciously made these changes, they’ve just happened!!!!

They are not big things but still it’s interesting how easy it is to pick up another culture’s little idiosyncrasies when you spend a lot of time with Nepali people.

It’s common in most relationships for a husband/wife to pick up certain ways of doing things that they’ve never done before and unconsciously inherit it from their partner’s behaviour.

But these things I’m doing  are really cultural behaviours that most Nepalis do, not just Rabindra’s way of doing things.

Here’s a quick list of my new Nepali habits:

• Making tea/coffee the Nepali way on the stove with milk/water. (Not by boiling a kettle then adding milk – the way I have made tea my whole life).
• Wearing chappals around the house –oh my gosh!
• Washing up dishes the Nepali way which means not letting plates drip-dry with dishwashing detergent on them!
• Changed the way I speak to people older than me- give them more respect (this is an especially nice one).
• Occasionally eating dinner with my hands!! Yes, oh my gosh again!!
• Turning upside-down shoes over in the right position facing upwards. I don’t like the thought that it could bring bad luck.
• Not touching things with my feet.
• AND THE BIG ONE- nodding/swinging my head to the side to indicate yes/OK!! What is with that?? I did this at work the other day and I thought to myself- Casey- you are not Nepali!!

Are you in a cross-cultural relationship where you have picked up parts of your other half’s culture? What type of new behaviours have you picked up?

If you’re not in a cross-cultural relationship, what little things have you picked up from your partner’s behaviour that you now do yourself? (For me, one of these things is tapping my feet in bed, Rabindra does it all the time and now I do it).

I’d be interested to know how little things in your daily life have been influenced by your partner!

Please share your experiences here.

Photo blog: School volunteering

In Nepal I spent a few days volunteering at Rabindra’s father’s school (he is the principal at the village school). There are 800 students and I had to stand up on school assembly and talk about Australian school life. Rabindra and I donated sports equipment to the school and the kids were very happy. I also taught a few English classes. I had an absoute ball. Here are some pics of my time at the school:

Above: The morning school assembly. Kids singing the national anthem.

Below: Me making a speech at school assembly.

Above: The kids trying to cram into a photo.

Below: The kids following me around.

Below:

Above: Prep class.

Below: Me with my class.

Nepal- the trip that nearly didn’t happen

You would not believe what happened to me on the day we departed Australia for Kathmandu.

We got to the airport with plenty of time and decided to get a coffee at the cafe and wait there until Singapore Airlines check-in opened.

After we ordered our coffee the lady said it would be ready in 10 minutes, so we went and sat down at a table with all our bags.

At this time we noticed the check-in had opened and thought we would rush over and get in first before the queue got long.

We quickly got all our bags together and because we were going from Brisbane (very hot) to Kathmandu (freezing), we had all this extra carry-on luggage including thick scarves and big snow jackets with us.  

In a hurried moment we thought we would leave the snow jackets/scarves hanging over the chair and our carry-on bag under the table at the cafe because it was only a very short walk away (you could see the coffee shop from the counter) and we were already weighed down with our trolleys, scarves and bags.

I told the coffee lady we would be “back in a sec” to get our coffees and belongings.

When we got to the check in, we handed over our tickets and passports and mine was quickly checked in and I had my e-ticket.

But when the lady got to processing Rabindra’s passport details, they couldn’t find him in the system because he has one of those old non-chip passports so you manually have to type in his details and he also has an amended date of birth page which always causes confusion.

The lady tried it three times and every time failed. She called her supervisor and he told her to repeat the process.

She was really slow and typing with one hand (I was like WTF woman can you try a bit faster you are starting to piss me off)!!

Anyway it really started to stress me out that Rabindra’s passport details were not working and we had been there for more than 20 minutes.

I stayed with Rabindra to try and explain to the woman about his amended DOB page because she wasn’t listening to Rabindra properly.

A little while later I turned around to the coffee shop and noticed a big commotion happening.

The FEDERAL POLICE and SNIFFER DOGS were gathered around the coffee shop and everyone was looking around wondering what was happening.

It didn’t take me long to realise that the centre of the commotion just might be that my pink designer bag in the coffee shop could be the result of all the SHOCK, ALARM and HORROR and that people might think there was a  BOMB IN MY BAG.

I ran over in a hurry and saw the officers who started to question me if it was my bag and why I wasn’t with it.

The officers told me that a member of the public had reported an unattended bag and thought it was highly suspicious.

I said yes it was my bag and NO I AM NOT A CRAZED TERRORIST WITH A BOMB IN MY BAG.

I tried to explain to the officers that I told the coffee shop lady I was walking over to quickly check in and that I’d be back. (The coffee woman did not pass this on to the officers, trying to avoid getting involved I suppose).

The officers took me away to a special classified area and did swabs of my bag and quizzed me on a million questions about who I was, where I was going, who my partner was, where we lived, what was I doing in Nepal, what job did I do, who I was staying with in Nepal, what my favourite food was, etc etc (well maybe not that last question).

They said I better co-operate fully OR quote… “You will not be travelling anywhere mam except to a JAIL so please co-operate”. Unquote.

Those words struck volts of fear down my body.

All I could think was, how is this happening to me?

I am meant to be starting the adventure of a lifetime, the journey I have been waiting more than 3 and half years to do, to visit my Nepali family and finally get the acceptance of our relationship that I’ve so desperately wanted.

But instead, only some hours from the time I am meant to be stepping onto the plane, I am being interrogated by federal police, being threatened with being arrested and ending up in the four walls of a jail cell with other ‘potential terrorists AKA innocent, dumb girls who get arrested at airports’ and not enjoying my butter chicken and rice and movies en route to Bangkok.

It was turning into a complete nightmare and they even said that if I don’t go to jail, I could still end up with international criminal record and a whopping fine.

When I told the officer I was a journalist, he said “how could an educated, young woman not know that this was a very serious offence?” CUE me giving the officer my very sad, stupid face. (I could not feel any shitter than I was already, thanks a lot mate).

They told me that if I was in India and that happened, the police there would take the bag outside and blow it up straight away.

Well the truth was, I had heard of stories about unattended bags in airports but I am not an accustomed international traveller and it was just a fleeting moment of forgetfulness… and bad luck that someone rang the police.

I spent 45 minutes with the officers and apologised 1000 times about how silly and naive I was, that I honestly thought I’d be 5 minutes but my partner had experienced problems with his old passport and that’s why I had taken so long.

They were actually really nice guys in the end and had a laugh with me, told me to be more cautious in the future and to enjoy my trip to Nepal.

They finished by saying that all my details were on federal records noting that I had received an official warning about my little experience at Brisbane International Airport and that if I did it again, I’d be in big, big trouble.

Trust me mate, it will never happen again. The stern warning and shock was one thing, the embarrassment was another thing.

Through the whole ordeal, Rabindra could see what was going on but I had motioned to him to stay over there and not come near me (it would complicate it more and stress him out as well).

When I went over and told Rabindra everything, he couldn’t believe what had happened but we kept saying how lucky I was.

I was still a bit shaken up and somehow calmed my nerves before we got to the gate.

As we were waiting for our flight, an important notice was being made over the speakers.

“Passengers are reminded that you are not to leave bags unattended at any time. Passengers may face criminal convictions and fines.”

I looked over to Rabindra and we couldn’t stop laughing.

I’m sure the officers had organised that little message and directed it squarely at me and I don’t blame ‘em.

Silly. Stupid. Dumb. Naive.

Yep, that’s me!

ENDNOTE: as an endnote to this story- when we flew to Delhi and Bangkok airports, these security messages were broadcasted every few minutes!!! Well, maybe that was my paranoia but it certainly gave Rabindra and I a laugh every single time

Flying into Kathmandu

Me enjoying my first days in Nepal…does this look like the face of a bomb-carrier ? Hehe

The trip my heart was searching for

The title says it all.

As many of my lovely readers will know, this was the trip I have been waiting to do for many years.

There’s been that longing feel of wanting to be attached to the place, the culture, the village, the family that has given me the best thing of my life- Rabindra.

Although we’ve had a stable relationship for more than three years, I have never been comfortable with not meeting his parents and family.

It’s left a hole in my heart that only a trip to Nepal could fill.

I know you have been waiting for this post and I am so glad to share it with you now.

On the day we arrived in his village, of course there were some silent moments. I was so nervous I barely spoke.

As I got used to the village, everyone became intrigued to find our more about me

My appearance was examined- my fair skin, my red hair, my dress size- all with smiles and laughs.

Everyone wanted to know how many brothers and sister I have, what my parents looked like, what I did back in Australia.

His parents were just lovely. They welcomed me with open arms and even though it was a big challenge by societal standards to accept us because we are unmarried, they never stopped caring.

They tried to speak in broken English. I tried to speak in broken Nepali.

What came out seemed to be the same words every time “chainna” “jado bhayo” “khushi lagyo”, “man parcha” “ramro cha” “sari ramro cha”, “chura ramro cha”

Many of his relatives live nearby in his village and they all welcomed me more than I could have imagined.

There were challenges like eating goat meat with dahl twice a day, using a toilet i was not comfortable with, and taking cold showers outdoors.

But it was mostly smooth sailing with plenty of smiles and care.

The biggest challenge was the language barrier and I found myself feeling frustrated by not understanding people.

Sometimes there were 15-20 people all around me and I know they were talking about me but I couldn’t understand what they were saying.

I became so close with his grandmother, sister and mummy.

I’m forever grateful for this trip. I miss Nepal already. I heart that place. It’s my second home

A typical Nepali village house

Me getting tikka from buwah (dad)

Me dancing in the village with local village women

Saying goodbye on our last day in the village. I was so sad I cried

 

I’ll be putting more pics and posts up. I just wanted a quick one today to let you all know that I am safe and well

It’s time

In just over a week, we will be landing in Kathmandu!!

This is not just a holiday or visit to see family.

For those following my story, you will know this trip is my first trip meeting the in-laws.

I will meet Rabindra’s parents and extended family for the first time and whilst I hide it from most people, I’m scared because it’s going to be a monumental trip for my future.

Even though Rabindra’s parents have accepted our relationship, there’s no underestimating it, we face many difficulties on this trip.

First of all we are going as an unmarried couple into a small rural village where conservatism is the norm.

On top of that we have the added issue that I am an Australian woman, not Nepali.

No-one in his family has ever been in a relationship with a foreign man or woman (except an Indian).

I don’t speak the language and the majority of his family do not speak English.

We are breaking new ground.

There will be testing times like how Rabindra’s family explains me to all the interested onlookers who all know his parents well.  Their reputation is on the line.

There’s going to be a lot of pressure on Rabindra’s parents, Rabindra and myself while we are over there.

I’ve also never been to Nepal and I’m sure I will experience some level of culture shock.

Many of my Nepali friends don’t think I can survive in the village too long.

Compared to my western world of a 9am-5pm air conditioned office job with a home that has all the basics you need, what awaits me in Nepal is a lack of running water, no electricity for most of the day, showering with my clothes outdoors in minus temperatures and using a toilet in the ground.

It’s not going to be easy but I am determined to be strong.

Wish me luck, I’m gonna need it

Nepal is on the horizon

I’m not going to jinx myself just yet *but* we are definitely close to heading to Nepal in the next few weeks/months.

Just last night I was thinking about the one thing in my life that I want to do more than anything else.

It’s to go to Nepal.

For the past two and a half years I’ve dreamt about the day I will land amongst the chaos of Kathmandu.

I want to smell the dirty air, get lost in the maze of city streets and see those beautiful temples that everyone tells me about.

I want to see the mountains that all my Nepalese friends live underneath.

I want to see Phewa Lake, set amongst the Annapurna Range in the beautiful city of Pokhara.

I want to find out about the life of my other half. His history which has made him the way he is.

I want to see where by baby grew up, his village, his schools, the cafes where he’d used to gather with friends and drink tea.

I want to meet his family, read books to his niece and nephew and cook daal bhat with his aama.

But most of all I just want to be there.

Simply live amongst it.

To stand breathing in the place I’ve been so attached to, but yet so far removed, for so long.

It’s like the other half of my life, my missing life, and I can almost touch it.